


To the Beat of Her Drum

by Wilder



Series: To the Beat of Her Drum [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: AU, Equestrian, Gen, Horses, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-17
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-20 10:39:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 34,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/886283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wilder/pseuds/Wilder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka Nanase rides to the music, whether or not anyone can hear it. Rin Matsuoka rides for the thrill. Equestrian AU, loosely follows the original plot for a while before diverging.</p><p>Chapter 11 is the only Explicit chapter and it will remain such, so I have reduced the rating to M. Rating reflects language, graphic depictions of injuries, and the subject of eating disorders starting in Chapter 13.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dance

Haruka Nanase has always ridden to music, whether it’s playing for real or in his head. His lesson horse’s steps are all the beat he needs. Sometimes he closes his eyes and gets yelled at, but he knows what he’s doing. His cues are fluid enough to be invisible, his balance perfect, his horse responsive. He is fourteen years old, and all he wants is to ride.

Nagisa would like to be him. He’s more excitable, and it transfers to the pony he rides. He wants to be a trick rider when he grows up, but they don’t teach that here.

Makoto’s leased Quarter Horse gelding dozes in the shade. He loves this horse – hopes that his parents will consider buying him for Makoto’s endurance riding dreams. The gelding isn’t perfect, and will never win a beauty contest, but he can go forever when he wants to.

Sasabe is showing off Haruka’s skill for his parents, who don’t seem to be paying as much attention as their son deserves.

The new kid in their lesson sits at the fence line on a pretty bay Arabian mare, watching Haru with wide eyes. The mare jigs in place, and he pats her neck and hushes her.

“Rin!” the instructor calls. “You’re up. I want you to canter the vertical line and then the oxer on the diagonal.”

Rin nods and nudges his mare forward. The jumps are only three feet, but the Arabian flows over them with a grace that makes it clear she could leap well over that height. Rin’s hands are quiet, his eyes up and looking to the next fence. When he clears the oxer with ease, a girl who must be his sister stands up and claps. Rin smiles widely and waves to her, then swears loudly and has to grab mane as his mare throws a little buck. 

Sasabe scolds Rin for language, but he’s laughing, so no one takes him seriously. Rin’s face is bright red, and the mare is inordinately pleased with herself.

Rin trots his horse over to stand beside Haruka’s, and he grins.

“She’s fun, but she doesn’t let you get distracted,” he says. “You’re Nanase, right?”

Haruka nods, but he’s not really paying attention. It’s the end of the lesson. Sasabe humors Haruka sometimes by turning on the music at the end and letting them do what they want for a few minutes before cooling out.

Freestyle dressage is Haruka’s calling. He and his horse move flawlessly to the music. Their dance is beautiful.

Rin stops watching Haruka for a few minutes to take his mare over an improvised jump course, loving the flight, reveling in the wind. This is his place. This is his heaven.

Nagisa is standing in his stirrups and flapping his arms like wings, until Sasabe yells for him to “cut that out before you die and your mom over there sues!" The blond sits down, pouts a little bit, and follows Rin over a couple of jumps.

Makoto just smiles and watches them while cruising around at an easy canter.

 

“Hey, Nanase!” Rin says from the stall next to Haruka’s while he towels off his mare. “There’s a show at the end of the school year. We should team up.” He grins through the bars at Haruka, who peeks over his horse’s back to respond.

“I only ride freestyle,” Haruka says.

“That’s one of the events.”

“I don’t care about winning.”

“It’s not a big show, you don’t have to.”

Haruka stares at Rin.

Makoto chimes in from Rin’s other side.

“You know, Haru-chan, it’d be a good chance to ride some new horses. I think Sasabe might let you try one of the warmbloods if you ask nicely.”

Haruka tries to scowl at him, but his wide, excited eyes give him away.

“I _told_ you to quit with the –chan, Makoto,” he grumbles.

“Come on, Haru-chan, we should do the show!” Nagisa chirps from across the aisle. He can barely see over the half door.

Haruka sighs, shakes his head, and says, “All right.”

 

“I bet you can’t beat me and Izza!” Rin teases six months later, galloping bareback past Haruka’s latest trial mount. They’re on the cross-country course out back – on a trail ride, as far as Sasabe knows. They don’t get to jump without supervision, technically, but Rin’s bad at listening.

Izza soars over a three-six brush and circles around back to Haruka’s side. The mare snorts, trying to nip at the big gelding’s mane. As cheeky as her rider, this one.

Rin is the only one of the four who owns his horse. She’s a rescue, dug out of an auction last year as a skinny, angry mess of an animal. She trusts Rin now, because he fed her, because he saved her. But it’s only Rin. Haruka’s been nipped more than once.

“Rin, I don’t _jump_ ,” Haruka says. “And I don’t want to race you on Avalon, he’s a boarder’s horse.”

“You’re no fun,” Rin says. “And you wouldn’t even race me on Danny.”

“That’s because Danny’s twenty and your horse is _six_.”

“Sadie, then.”

“We did that once, remember? And she’s pregnant now.”

Rin’s jaw drops.

“No one tells me _anything_ around here! Damn, I wonder what the foal will be like.”

Haruka rolls his eyes. Rin has too much energy for him sometimes. Not a bad guy, and talented as hell, but _so much energy_.

Rin lies back and rests his head on Izza’s rump, and for once, the mare tolerates his nonsense.

“Hey, Haru?”

Haruka halts Avalon and looks in Rin’s direction.

“What do you want to do for high school?”

There’s another month of school and a summer between them and high school. Haruka apparently thinks about it less than Rin does.

Haruka shrugs.

“I don’t know. Study art, maybe.”

“What about riding?”

Haruka realizes that he hasn’t thought about this nearly enough. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to keep riding. High school is busy.

He shakes his head.

“I’ll keep riding. Somehow. What about you?”

“I’m going to the Olympics,” Rin says, grinning ear to ear but clearly not joking in the slightest. “And Rolex, and anywhere else I want to.”

“In high school?” Haruka asks bemusedly, not fully processing what Rin had said.

Rin laughs.

“Not in high school, smartass. But I’m going to high school to get there. In Ireland.”

“ _Ireland_?” Haruka snaps to attention.

Rin is leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was thinking about Free! and how to fit horses into a fanfic, and I said "What the hell, let's make it an AU." So Haruka rides Freestyle Dressage, Rin events but favors cross-country, Nagisa likes trick riding and showjumping, Makoto rides endurance and also events, and Rei will be recruited eventually to be the new cross-country rider.
> 
> I MIXED FREE! AND PONIES AND NOW I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.


	2. The Ticking Clock

Haruka just stares, silent, while Rin watches clouds. It’s like he doesn’t know the bombshell he just dropped.

“When?” Haruka finally asks.

“The week after the show,” Rin says absently.

Haruka doesn’t want to ask why, doesn’t want to say _but what about me_ , because that makes him sound like Rin’s boyfriend or something and they’re not like that. But another thought occurs to him.

“What about Izza?”

Rin sits up, but his gaze falls to the ground. His long hair hides his eyes.

“I can’t… I can’t take her,” he whispers, and a tear falls into Izza’s mane. “And my mom says we can’t afford to keep her here and send me to school.”

It makes Haruka uncomfortable when Rin cries. Rin is an emotional being, far more so than Haruka, but for once Haruka understands why. The mare is his _friend_. And she’s so sensitive, so reactive, that who knows what will happen if she leaves Rin’s care.

“Haru, you – ” Rin starts to say, but he cuts himself off. His eyes are misty, his voice shaking.

“Rin….”

“Can you buy her? Please, Haru….” Rin is begging now, but Haruka’s not sure if Rin is begging him or the heavens for some way, some possibility of holding onto his horse.

Izza is not the horse for Haruka. She is flighty, tricky, and doesn’t even seem to like him. She doesn’t know the movements for the freestyle dressage that Haruka loves so much. She is Rin’s horse, through and through. And Haruka is the only person who can keep it that way.

“I… I don’t know,” he says. “I’d have to ask my parents, I don’t have much money.”

Rin looks at him and there’s _hope_ in his eyes, and Haruka can’t stand to think of that fading.

 

“Rin’s mare? Why do you want to buy Izza? I thought you were looking at Avalon,” Haruka’s mother says, barely paying attention. “Why are they selling her, anyway?”

“I told you, Mom, Rin’s moving to Ireland for high school,” Haruka mutters. “His mom can’t afford to keep Izza and send him to school. He said he’d talk to her about paying for some of the board if we do buy her.”

Haruka’s father cuts into the conversation.

“She’s a jumper. You don’t jump.”

“I _know_ , Dad, but I can still ride other horses, and it’s not like jumping is all she can do. Please, you said you’d buy me a horse this year.”

“… Your mother and I will talk about it.”

 

Sasabe has given them some unstructured ring time every other day to prepare for the show. Rin would prefer to get cross-country training, but ring jumps are good enough for now. Makoto’s practicing dressage forms, which confuse the living hell out of Cruiser (being a Quarter Horse and not terrible flexible, dressage is not his favorite of the three events). Nagisa is showing off, jumping things almost as tall as Paddy is, but the little palomino is having the time of his life and seems to have springs in his legs.

And Haruka and Avalon dance to the music.

Haruka would love to own Avalon. He’s a big, gorgeous grey Trakehner who moves smoother than any horse Haruka has ever ridden and knows twice what Haruka does about dressage. He’s older than most of the others’ mounts – fifteen – but he clearly hasn’t noticed. His owner bought a young Hanoverian last year, and doesn’t have time to train the colt and ride Avalon.

But Haruka won’t break Rin’s heart if he can help it, and there’s not a chance of owning two horses.

Nagisa’s family isn’t doing so well with money right now. He can’t afford his own horse. Makoto’s parents have finally agreed to buy Cruiser. Haruka is Rin’s only shot at keeping Izza.

 

It’s his grandmother who finally tips them over to his side.

“That mare is the love of that Rin boy’s life, and you want to let him send her off to Lord knows where?” she scolds. “You let your son _choose_ what horse he wants to own, and if she’s wrong for him it’s _his_ responsibility.”

So Haruka is in.

 

Rin pulls him into a rib-crushing hug, crying tears of joy onto Haruka’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Haru, thank you,” he says. “I’ll be back for her, I promise, and I’ll pay you back and everything.”

Awkwardly, Haruka pats Rin’s shoulder. Makoto and Nagisa look on as their mounts graze on lead lines. It’s obscenely hot, so they hosed off the horses after working, and they’re letting them dry and eat grass in the sun.

Haru clears his throat and pulls away from Rin, back to toweling off Avalon. The big horse snuffles at Izza’s forelock, and the mare squeals and backs quickly. Rin rolls his eyes, but Haruka knows he’s not mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is set in America, because I know the American school and horse show system a lot better than the Japanese ones. The boys ride in semi-rural Massachusetts. They currently all go to the same middle school, into which Rin transferred six months ago.


	3. Ribbons

The day of the show finally arrives, and the four of them load their horses into Sasabe’s big trailer. They have to put Izza between Avalon and Cruiser so Paddy’s energy doesn’t drive her nuts.

Rin and Makoto ride in the truck – their parents’ cars are the designated tackmobiles.

“So you’re really leaving, huh?” Makoto asks. He manages to keep the melancholy out of his voice, but his eyes are sad.

“Yeah,” Rin replies, “but I’ll be back, don’t worry.” He grins, showing those oddly sharp teeth.

Makoto smiles weakly back. He doesn’t want Rin to leave. He’s gotten attached to him in the past eight months.

They don’t speak for most of the drive. Rin didn’t sleep well, and he’s passed out with his cheek against the window.

 

“Wow!” Nagisa exclaims, scrambling out of his father’s car to take in the sights. Haruka’s more reserved, but his eyes are shining. This is one of the smaller shows to take place here, but the grounds are beautiful.

“Put your eyes back in your heads,” Sasabe calls, “and get these horses into the barn.”

It’s a two-day show. The classes are widely varied, from children’s games and beginner’s classes to five-foot jump courses. No one on their team jumps that high yet. Well, Rin did once, but that was when Izza leapt a shadow.

Intermediate Eventing – Rin’s set – is one of the biggest groups, even though this show doesn’t technically _have_ a three-day event. Makoto hasn’t qualified, so he’s in the Beginners. Nagisa will stick to the Jumpers tomorrow and an Equitation class today, and Haruka, predictably, is in tomorrow’s Freestyle Dressage at the end of the day. He’s been convinced to do the Intermediate dressage test on the first day as well, but he’s not happy about it.

It’s Rin and Haru in their first class. Rin smiles widely and says good luck, and Haruka nods and smiles back.

Dressage is a mixed bag for Izza. She can switch leads all day and extend beautifully, but she has trouble collecting for the circles, and her transition from a canter to a walk is not pretty. Rin salutes the judge and leaves the ring with a sigh. He knows he won’t win this one.

Haruka keeps a deadpan face for the entire test. He gets the feeling that Avalon could do it without him, and he’s bored. Dressage has always been his specialty. He’s good at it, but what’s the point of doing it without music, doing exactly what he’s told and exactly what everyone else has been told to do?

Rin does better than he expected, but to no one’s surprise, Haruka takes the blue.

Makoto, to his own shock, takes second in the Beginners Dressage test, despite Cruiser’s distaste for the class.

“If we each get at least one blue, I say our team wins,” Rin says.

Nagisa’s Equitation class is between now and the two cross-country events, so the other three sit at the fence line to watch. Paddy is in top form – responsive, balanced – and Nagisa is unusually calm and determined. Even when a spooked youngster almost runs up Paddy’s tail, the pony barely flicks an ear.

Rin cheers the loudest as Nagisa exits the ring, beaming, with a blue ribbon streaming from Paddy’s bridle.

 

Cross-country. Rin’s specialty, Izza’s calling. They bound away in a strong canter at the signal. The others won’t be able to see most of the course, and honestly, that’s how Rin prefers to jump. Alone with his horse.

The obstacles aren’t high, but some of them are tricky for a lot of horses. The bank into the river. The open ditch in front of a three-six brush. An in-and-out pair of logs.

Izza is fearless. She’s never refused a jump for Rin – bucked him off after them a couple of times, but never refused. And today she is in top form, eating up the ground, flying over the fences with room to spare. As she gallops away from the last jump, a double gate, tears blur Rin’s vision. This could be the last time he shows her.

The mare crosses the line with time still on the clock. Theirs is the only clear round.

 

That night in the barn, Rin wraps his arms around his horse’s neck and cries into her mane. He can’t stop his shaking shoulders, his choking sobs. The others are sleeping.

“… Rin?”

Rin turns around, though he doesn’t take his hand off of Izza’s neck.

“H… Haru,” Rin says, his voice hitching.

“I’m going to take care of her, okay?” The determined tone in his voice is steady, strong. It should be reassuring, but Rin turns away.

“I know she’s not right for you, Haru,” he says quietly. “I know you wish you could buy Avalon, he’s perfect for what you want to do.”

Haruka can’t deny that, and he pauses for what he knows is too long.

“I’m not going to let you lose her,” Haruka finally says.

Rin smiles and then takes a deep breath.

“Thank you. Just give me a minute.”

He doesn’t come back to the trailer. They find him curled up in front of Izza’s stall in the morning.

 

Makoto won his cross-country trial, so he’s not stressing about the Jumpers. Which is good, because Cruiser is in a _mood_. The Quarter Horse barges right through the third jump after barely clearing the first two, and Makoto just stops him right there, rubbing the back of his head with a conciliatory smile.

“Not our day, I guess,” he laughs outside the ring, and Rin pats him on the back.

The Intermediate Jumpers is more crowded. Rin wishes Nagisa good luck, and Rin enters the ring first.

Nagisa has never expected to beat Rin in the Jumpers. Izza can jump the moon and will for Rin. They both manage clear rounds, but in the second run, Paddy ticks a rail and it falls at the last possible second, so Nagisa takes the red and is happy with it.

And now it’s Haruka’s event.

Freestyle Dressage doesn’t even have separate classes. There are people in this class who are twice Haruka’s age on horses worth five times Avalon’s price.

And it doesn’t matter once Haruka hears the music.

They are perfect. Avalon switches leads on every stride without missing a beat as they come down the center line. A few minutes later, their half-pass across the diagonal is flawless. Sasabe wonders when Haruka learned half-pass, because _he_ sure as hell didn’t teach it to him. Maybe Avalon did it by himself – that old horse is smart enough.

Half of the moves they do are far beyond the level that anyone expected from a boy so young, and his cues are visible only to the most experienced. Many who watch him have no doubt that this boy will take the world by storm. The boy himself doesn’t care. He just wants to ride.

The small crowd roars when Haruka salutes the judge at the end of his routine. Avalon bobs his head and prances as they leave the ring, eight years old at the big shows again. And Haruka’s reserved little smile breaks into a grin when the judge approaches them with the blue.


	4. Departure

In their last week together, they never mention that it’s their last week together. Somehow, Rin manages to find something more uncomfortable to bring up.

“I wish my dad could've seen me ride,” he says one day, lying in the grass and watching clouds. “Even on TV or something.”

The other three don’t know what to say. Rin doesn’t talk about his father. They’ve never seen him, but they always assumed that he just wasn’t interested in horses.

Finally, it’s Nagisa who speaks up.

“Rin-chan, your dad – ?”

“He died,” Rin says.

And that’s the end of it.

 

The day before Rin leaves, they take the horses to the beach and ride bareback. Izza isn’t even wearing her bridle, just a halter and lead.

“C’mon, race me!” Rin calls as Izza skitters across the sand, and they humor him. Izza insists on galloping in the edge of the surf, so Rin is soaked by the time they pass the rock he’s chosen as a marker. Avalon’s long legs almost take him into the lead, but the Trakehner isn’t much of a runner.

Izza leaps into the water, taking great bounds until she’s swimming, and Rin clings on and positively roars with laughter. Nagisa is the first to join him, the waves quickly swelling up to Paddy’s chest, though the pony doesn’t want to go much farther than that. Cruiser surprises Makoto by charging in, chasing Izza, and Avalon prances in up to his knees before snorting and darting out again. That disappoints Haruka, who really does enjoy riding in the ocean.

Rin and Izza splash their way out of the waves, and Izza has seaweed in her mane and looks more like a kelpie than a mortal horse.

“Good girl,” Rin whispers, and her ears flick backward to listen. “You’re my girl, Izza. Don’t forget me, all right?”

She cranes her neck around to nip at his foot.

 

Makoto’s mother drives her son, Haruka, and Nagisa to the airport. The three of them run, and they barely catch Rin before he goes through security.

“You’re late,” Rin says, trying to be playful and light but there’s a lump in his throat and he can’t quite get the words out. “I was starting to think… you might not make it.”

Nagisa throws his arms around Rin’s neck, tears dampening his shirt. Rin hugs him and tells him it’s all right, he’ll keep in touch and be back after high school and they’ll all still be friends. Makoto puts his arms around both of them and yanks Haruka into the hug. They don’t speak. Rin’s plane leaves in half an hour.

 

When the plane touches down in Dublin, Rin walks almost woodenly into the airport, looking around for the transport. His new school is on the eastern coast. 

Eventually, he manages to figure out where the shuttle is, and he’s on the way.

“Where’re you headed?” a girl sitting across from him asks. He has to ask her to repeat that – he’s not used to the accent.

“School,” he says. “The equestrian school in Wicklow.”

“Me too! Third year. Just got back from visiting family in New York. It’s funny,” she says, tilting her head, “your hair’s redder than mine, but you sure don’t look Irish.” Her hair is more of a strawberry blonde. Rin automatically grabs a lock of his own hair and looks at it.

“My mom grew up in Japan,” he says, “but she moved to New England before I was born.”

“Is it dyed then?”

“No, my family just has weird hair,” Rin says, grinning a bit for the first time since the plane left. The girl looks pleased.

“I’m Charlotte. I guess I’ll be your senior. D’you ride already?”

Rin looks at the floor.

“I’m Rin. Yeah, I’ve been riding since I was a kid. Had to leave my mare with a friend.”

Charlotte doesn’t speak for a few minutes, but her expression is sympathetic.

“He’ll take care of her,” Rin keeps speaking. “He’ll make sure she’s there for me when I get back, but she’s not right for him and that’s not fair of me. He rides freestyle dressage, she’s a cross-country horse, and he could have bought a former Grand Prix competitor if he hadn’t bought Izza….”

“Sounds like a good friend,” Charlotte says. Rin looks up.

“Yeah.” He pulls up a picture on his phone, of Haruka on Avalon at the show. Rin managed to capture a moment when Haruka actually looked happy, and Avalon’s half-pass was flawless of course. “That’s the horse he could have had.” He flicks to the photo that Makoto took of Rin and Izza flying over the last cross-country fence. “And that’s me and Izza.”

“She’s beautiful. Arab, yeah?”

Rin nods.

“She’ll be there when you get home, Rin. You’ve got a good friend keepin’ her safe for you.”

Rin smiles weakly and shuts up for the rest of the ride.

 

The first view of the school almost drives home out of Rin’s mind. The place is _gorgeous_. It’s right on the sea, and Rin spots a few people running horses on the beach. The stables aren’t huge – there are only about a hundred riding students – but they are magnificent.

Charlotte looks on with a knowing smile. She was struck dumb the first time she looked at this place.

“Let’s get you to your dorm before your eyes fall out of your head.”

He meets his roommate – the first year’s numbers are odd, so he ends up with a third-year who doesn’t look too annoyed about it.

“My name is Connor. Ground rules: don’t keep me up at night, don’t wake me up early on the weekends, and make an effort not to move my stuff. Welcome to Wicklow.” He grins wolfishly and vaults up to the top bunk.

Rin is on his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wicklow Equestrian School is entirely made up. I'm pretty sure that equestrian high schools don't actually exist. Then again, I didn't think middle schools devoted to swimming existed either :P


	5. 'Chaser

Rin is not the top of his class, but he’s definitely fearless. They horse they put him on is a huge black Thoroughbred, a former steeplechaser who tends to charge the jumps like he thinks he’s on the track.

The reason that Rin is not at the top of his class is that he tends to _allow_ Limerick Blues to do this. He sticks on like a burr in the gelding’s mane, his form just about flawless, but he has no idea how to pace himself or his horse.

“Matsuoka,” Connor says one night a few months in, “why are you here? You ride like a ‘chaser, not an eventer.”

That hurts. Rin doesn’t know how to respond. He’s never considered racing for real – eventing has always been his dream, and to be told he doesn’t fit it is painful.

“Your dressage is decent, but you don’t even seem to _like_ it and it’s sure as hell not your specialty. As for the jumps, Bluesy’s not easy to reel in, but you don’t even seem to try.”

“I _try_ ,” Rin protests.

“I’ve seen people smaller than you make that horse collect. You just don’t want him to. You like the rush, don’t you?”

“I… I have to go,” Rin says, grabbing his key and phone off of the desk and rushing out.

 

He calls Charlotte when he gets to the beach. So far, she’s his only real friend at school besides the horse.

“Hey, Rin, what’s up?” her voice comes through the phone.

“Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, love, I’m here.”

“Do I belong here?”

There’s silence on her end for a few agonizing seconds.

“Who have you been talking to?”

“Connor. My roommate,” Rin says, and his voice breaks. “He says I don’t ride like an eventer and asked why… why I’m even here.”

“Where are you now?”

“On the beach.”

“I’ll be there in a minute. Don’t leave, okay?”

Rin agrees and ends the call. He sits on a rock, hugging his knees to his chest, until he sees her silhouette approaching. Charlotte sits down next to him, wearing a leather jacket over a nightgown that blows in the wind.

“Rin,” she says, “look at me.” He does. “You _are_ talented. If you want to event, then you can do that. But I watch you. You’re not _alive_ when you’re not jumping, and you look so upset when you have to do something slow. I’m not saying you should leave the school. But maybe you check out the track with me this weekend.”

“With you?”

“Yeah,” she grins. “I gallop my da’s horses in the morning. I hope you realize I’ll be coming to get you around 3:30.”

“Connor’ll kill me if I wake him up that early.”

“Nah, he breezes with me. I’m surprised he hasn’t woken you.”

Rin had to think for a minute.

“What would I do at the track?” he asked.

Charlotte shrugged.

“I’d ask my da to put you up on a horse and we’d see what you do. Probably just a gallop or two. Work your way up if you decide you like it.”

“… All right.”

 

“Charlotte’s brought new meat!” someone calls as they walk the shed row at the crack of dawn. Rin shrinks a little bit, shivering in his borrowed jacket.

“Ignore them,” Charlotte says.

“You do this a lot?” Rin mutters.

“I’ve introduced half of these idiots to my father. Most of them have jobs because of me. But most of them had to beg, and I _offered_ to help you.” She smiles and tugs him along by his sleeve.

Charlotte’s father is a tall, but slightly hunched man, lean-muscled with a face that could look gentle or thunderous based on his mood.

“How old are you?” he asks.

“Almost fifteen, sir,” Rin says. The man sighs.

“Charlotte, please tell this boy how old he is.”

“You’re officially sixteen,” she says with a grin. “They won’t let you apply for a license otherwise. You look old enough.”

Charlotte’s father looks Rin over, sizing him up.

“He’s tall for a jock. Doesn’t look too heavy though.”

“Five-foot-six and 109, Mr. Lochlann,” Rin says.

The trainer scowls.

“Keep the weight down and you should be all right. I’m going to put you up on Badger this morning. Charlotte, show him how to tack and then get Gibson ready for yourself. Connor’s out on Crafty; if that mare throws him again I’m scratching her for tomorrow. Take the new guy into the turf course after you warm up and see how he handles the hurdles.”

Charlotte nods and leads Rin to the tack room and then a stall containing a smallish chestnut Thoroughbred.

“He’s strong, but he won’t throw you and he’s never fallen, so you should be all right,” she says. Tacking takes her longer than it usually does because she’s teaching, but still not long. “Dad’ll give you a leg up when we get outside. I need to get Gibson.”

They lead the two horses outside – Gibson is a tall light bay mare who dwarfs Charlotte – and the trainer boosts them both into their saddles and clips leads onto both horses. He leads them to the track and then lets them go. Badger prances in place, yanking at the bit, but Rin doesn’t let him go.

“Take them six furlongs, _easy_ , and then get onto the infield track and let ‘em rip for a half mile. New guy, keep pace with Charlotte, she knows what she’s doing and you don’t.”

Badger wants to race Gibson, but Rin manages to keep him neck and neck with her at an easy gallop that is nonetheless faster than most horses he’s ridden.

And then Charlotte leads him onto the turf course, where the jumps are set up. They line up together, and at Charlotte’s signal, they give the horses their heads.

Rin has never felt so alive. The wind whips the hair that sticks out from under his helmet, makes his eyes water, and as Badger charges to the first hurdle, Rin rides it perfectly. Charlotte is pacing herself more than he is, because Gibson is the younger, faster horse and she wants to keep an eye on Rin. At the end of the half mile, they pull the horses up and cool out for another two furlongs before trotting back to Charlotte’s father.

“Not bad. Your form’s better than I expected. Better than most of the newbies I get. Come back.”

 

Rin doesn’t go home for Christmas – can’t afford it – but he does get photos and letters from the the other three and his sister. Gou is in her last year of middle school and hating it – can’t wait for high school. Rin tells her that high school isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, even in Ireland. Makoto and Haruka are at the public high school in their town, but Nagisa moved out of state when his dad got transferred. At least they’re in a better financial situation now.

Rin doesn’t tell them that he’s going for his jockey’s license this week. He also doesn’t tell them that he’s living at the track more often than his dorm. He _does_ tell them the truth that his lessons are going better, and that he’s gotten charging the jumps out of his system. He’s in the top five of his class now, and has managed to make Limerick Blues take it easy. He leaves the mad dashes for the track.

 

Haruka can tell that there’s something they’re not getting in these letters and emails from Rin.

“What do you think?” he asks Makoto.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s not telling us everything. He keeps talking like it’s idyllic. Nothing is idyllic.”

Makoto shakes his head.

“Maybe he’s just happy.”

“… Yeah, maybe. Let go to the barn, I can’t handle homework right now.”

Makoto smiles and obliges. They take his car.

Avalon sold last month, and Haruka can’t deny that he felt a pang of regret when he saw the gelding go. Izza has gotten used to him, but she’s still not his horse. She’ll always be Rin’s. At least she doesn’t bite Haruka when he tacks her anymore.

Makoto had an endurance ride this past weekend, and he’s letting Cruiser recover, so he’s trying out one of the new horses that Sasabe just bought. The gelding is comically small for him – he’s shot up in the past few months and is nearly five-foot-ten.

“Haru, you ever going to let her jump?” he asks.

“I don’t jump.”

“She’s going nuts doing dressage every day. Look at her ears.”

Izza’s ears aren’t quite flat against her head, but close enough. And her tail swishes back and forth almost constantly. She’s not happy.

“Just try that cross-rail, she knows what to do.”

Haruka sighs and points Izza toward the small jump, approaching at an easy canter until Izza realizes what they’re doing and bolts for it. Haruka holds on for dear life, his eyes saucers, his hands clenched in Izza’s mane, as she overjumps by about two feet. At least she doesn’t buck on the landing.

Haruka’s face is white as a sheet. Okay. So he doesn’t like jumping. He doesn’t like jumping _at all_.


	6. Jockey

“All right Rin, don’t fall off and don’t foul anyone and you’ve got your license,” Charlotte says, tightening Gibson’s girth in the paddock. Rin stands there in the Lochlann silks, more than a little nervous. It’s his second trial race. He came in third in his first on Badger.

“ _Riders up!_ ” comes the call, and Charlotte boosts Rin into the saddle.

“Good luck!” she says as he walks off.

Rin’s just begging the heavens that he doesn’t die.

 

Into the gate. Gibson doesn’t like the gate. She snorts and backs quickly, and the assistant starter has to call for backup to get her in. Rin’s hands are practically braided into her mane.

But when the bell rings and the gate opens and she surges out like lightning, Rin’s nervousness falls away. He is flying.

Gibson is a pace-stalker. She settles in third and runs easy, taking the hurdles in stride. The horse beside them stumbles after the fourth and pitches her rider to the ground, and Gibson leaps to avoid stepping on him.

The race is nine furlongs. Gibson can handle that easily. She’s won at this distance before.

As they enter the homestretch, Gibson and Rin decide that they have had enough of third place. Her legs are pistons, eating up the ground, eating up the distance between her and the number three horse who runs in first. Gibson takes the lead a stride before the wire, and Rin whoops with exhilaration.

Charlotte canters out on her lead pony to catch Gibson’s bridle, grinning ear to ear.

“Breakin’ your maiden before you’re even a jock, that’s impressive,” she says, and leads the pair of them to the winner’s circle.

 

Rin turns fifteen. He and Connor get along better now that he’s proven he can ride. And then the school year ends, and Charlotte drives him to the airport.

“You’d be welcome to stay with me, you know,” she says, a little sad. She doesn’t want to see him go.

“I want to see my friends. And my horse,” Rin replies. “And I’ll be back at the end of the summer.” He thinks of his departure from home, so similar, and he realizes that he’s known her longer than he’d known them when he left. Charlotte pulls him in for a hug, and his eyes widen as she leaves a kiss on his cheek. “Wh-what was that for?” he sputters.

Charlotte smiles.

“So you don’t forget about me while you’re home. Come back, all right?”

“Of course I’ll be back. And how the hell could I forget you, you put me on a racehorse.” He grins and heads through security. “I’ll email.”

 

His mom and Gou pick him up in Boston. Gou’s grown about two inches since Rin last saw her. She giggles at the mild brogue he’s picked up. His mom is concerned at his weight – it hasn’t changed much, but he’s leaner – and he promises that yes, he’s been eating, and that it’s just from working at the barn. He doesn’t mention the track.

Makoto and Haruka’s school won’t let out for another week. Rin heads to the barn.

 

Izza about loses her mind. She gallops to the fence when she sees him, whinnying desperately like she can’t believe it. Rin’s face breaks into a wide grin. She’s nothing like the horses he’s been riding, and he knows she never will be, but she’s his. Well. Technically she belongs to Haruka at the moment. But she’s his.

Sasabe hears the commotion and rushes outside to see the familiar redheaded figure slipping through the gate and throwing his arms around his horse.

Makoto was home sick today, so Haruka heads to the barn by himself at the end of the day. Rin is still there, sitting in front of Izza’s stall while she eats.

Haruka stops dead.

“Rin,” he says.

Rin turns quickly and stands up.

“Thanks for looking after her,” Rin says.

Haruka is surprised by the hardness in Rin’s face, in the way he holds himself. This is not the Rin he remembers. His voice is deeper and has picked up a mild accent. He looks   
strong. The old Rin is there when he looks at Izza, but he’s different.

“You want to go for a ride?” Rin asks.

“Sure.”

“D’you mind if I take her?”

“Of course not,” Haruka says, shaking his head. “I’ll ask Sasabe who’s available for me.”

 

Haruka rides a young Thoroughbred who’s been off the track for about a year. Rin tries to conceal the fact that he’s sizing the gelding up, checking out his conformation, watching how he moves. He suspects that this was a pretty decent racehorse, but no ‘chaser. Then again, steeplechasing isn’t as common in America, so he’s not surprised.

“So how’s school?” Haruka asks.

Rin shrugs.

“Not bad. About what I expected. I’ve got a couple of friends, and I love the horse I’m riding. He’s an ex-steeplechaser, Limerick Blues. He’s got nothing on Izza, though.”

He’s lying. Blues is a better ride. Rin loves Izza more, but she will never have that flawless movement, that power over the jumps. She’s too small, and the wrong breed. Rin can already tell that he’s probably going to be too tall for her.

He doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

“What have you been up to? With her?” Rin asks.

Haruka hesitates.

“Trying to teach her some more dressage. I tried jumping a few months ago and nearly had a heart attack.”

Rin can’t hide his disappointment. He thought that Izza might inspire Haruka to try cross-country. He can’t help but feel that Haruka is wasting her potential. Hell, maybe he should ask his mom to buy her back for Gou, who has started riding more seriously.

“I’m not even going to ask you for a race,” Rin says. “No fair with you on a Thoroughbred.”

There’s distance between them that wasn’t there before. Rin takes Izza over a course, but he doesn’t have that exhilaration on his face that he used to. 

A week later, when Haruka stops by the Matsuokas’ to ask why Rin hasn’t been back to the barn, Rin’s mother tells him that Rin headed back to Ireland. She also asks if Gou can start riding Izza, to which Haruka agrees.

 

In the summer, it’s easier to be a jockey. No studies, no classes. Rin practically lives at the track. When he’s not there, he’s at Charlotte’s.

He’s been winning a fair amount, and other stables have started hiring him when he doesn’t have a mount for the Lochlanns. Pretty much no one knows that he’s still only fifteen. Those who do don’t care. They only care that he can ride.

 

Another school year starts. Rin manages to score Blues for another year. He enters a few of the team’s shows, and does damn well. He starts to think, hey, maybe he can event and race. It’s possible. But his dream has changed. It’s not the Olympics he’s staring down. It’s the Grand National.

Charlotte stares at him when he tells her that at dinner. Her father laughs.

“Well, we sure as hell don’t have a National horse,” he says. “But hey, there’s a sale next month. Maybe I’ll let you pick out a colt and we’ll see if he’s worth his weight in gold.”

 

“You do realize that people have died in the National, right?” Charlotte asks later that night.

“One person.”

“More have been hurt. Badly.”

“Yeah.”

“And you still want to run it.”

“Yeah.”

“What if I asked you not to?”

Rin just looks at her for a minute.

“I’m going for it, Charlotte. That’s the big one. That’s the race that makes them learn your name. Just getting in would get me mounts.”

“You could bloody kill yourself!” she snaps. “The chase fences here are three and a half feet. There are five-footers in the National.”

“I’ve jumped almost five feet on Blues.”

“Not at top speed you haven’t! Not with thirty other horses on a track with you! Rin, this is insane. You’re not even sixteen.”

“I’ll be sixteen in a week.”

“That’s not the _point_ , Rin, the point is that I don’t want you to wreck yourself and the National is about the best way to do it.”

Rin rolls his eyes.

“It’ll be at least a year or two before I’m ready for the National, anyway. I’m going to bed, I have four horses to breeze in the morning.”

 

Haruka’s been trying to reach Rin, but it seems that he’s not answering emails. He wants to tell him that he managed to teach Izza half-pass, and she seems to finally be enjoying herself. She loves the music. Gou is riding her too, and actually lets Izza jump the way she used to with Rin. Balance is good for the mare, and she finally seems to be bonding with Haruka.

Haruka starts following the Irish show circuit online, looking for any sign of Rin. He sees his name on the team roster, and he’s in the paper a couple of times for winning at the shows.

And then, purely out of curiosity, Haruka checks the racing section.

And there is Rin.

 

“He’s _racing?_ ” Makoto asks incredulously.

“Yeah. He’s a steeplechase jockey,” Haruka says dully, pointing to the photo on his computer screen. Sure enough, there’s Rin on a big bay Thoroughbred, sailing over a hurdle. “Says he’s an up-and-comer making a killing. I guess he found a new dream.”

Makoto looks at Haruka with sad eyes. He knows that Rin will always be at the front of Haruka’s mind. He wonders if Rin will ever come back. He has a life in Ireland, it seems.

 

Three thousand miles away, Rin is at a sale. Charlotte and her father sit next to him.

“Dad, what about that colt?” Charlotte asks, pointing at a yearling chestnut. Eric shakes his head.

“Look at his legs. Too fragile, even for a yearling. Rin, what are you looking at?”

Rin indicates another horse.

“That blood bay mare,” he says. “The six-year-old.”

Eric looks her up in the program.

“Coyote Blue. A six-year-old maiden? Why?”

Rin doesn’t mention the sentimental side – that the mare is Limerick Blues’s half-sister – but sticks to logic.

“Conformation. And I’ve watched a couple of her races. I rode against her once. She’s fast.”

“Then why does she lose?”

“She goes crazy along the homestretch. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because they’ve used the whip too much.”

Rin rides without a whip unless the trainer he’s riding for insists on it, and even then he rarely uses it.

“I thought you wanted to try for a National horse. Mares don’t win the National.”

“I think this one has a chance.”

He really does. He’s watched Coyote Blue race, he’s run against her, and he thinks she has potential. And if she doesn’t turn out, they can breed her. She’s got strong lines.

Eric shrugs.

“I’ll bid for her. At the very least, you can have a project.”

At the end of the day, they have four new horses. Coyote Blue is one of them.


	7. Coyote Blue

Coyote Blue refuses to run in a straight line, and when they set up a single hurdle, she overjumps like she thinks the brush will eat her. They’ve had her a month, and Rin rides her every day. Charlotte wonders if they’ll ever get her in a race. She doesn’t think the mare has a chance at even entering the National.

Rin continues to work with Coyote. She reminds him of Izza when he first got her – hell, she’s even the same color. She is wild, scared, angry. No one thinks she’ll amount to anything. But Rin turned Izza into a top-class cross-country horse, and he believes that he can turn Coyote Blue into a top racehorse.

 

Izza has learned to dance.

Haruka has learned to move with her and have patience when she’s scared or reacts badly.

Makoto watches them move to the music. Izza executes a flawless passage to the beat, then extends into a beautiful canter. Makoto has never seen an Arabian at the top levels of freestyle dressage, but Haruka doesn’t really care about the top levels. And now, for the first time, he and Izza look at peace together.

Haruka cools her out at the end of their routine and dismounts. Makoto, who has been schooling Cruiser over the jumps, follows him inside, where they towel off the sweat and dust before turning the horses out into the field. Izza squeals and chases Cruiser away from the trough so she can drink first.

“Heard anything new?” Makoto asks. “From Rin?”

“No,” Haruka says. “I sent him an email asking about the track, but I haven’t gotten a response. Maybe he’s mad that I found out.”

“You going to tell his mom?”

Haruka shakes his head.

“She always got nervous when he even pretended to race, and now he’s steeplechasing? She’d panic. I haven’t even told Kou.”

Rin’s sister is in their school now, and she’s gotten incredibly sick of her masculine name. Most of the time, Haruka and Makoto remember the ‘K’.

Kou gets to the barn late – she had a big project to finish – and Sasabe asks her to exercise the new lesson pony, who is fat, lazy and ornery. Kou sighs and gets him ready. He needs conditioning more than anything; he can barely canter halfway around the ring without puffing like a locomotive.

“I looked up Rin,” she says after turning out the pony. Haruka and Makoto freeze. “You knew, didn’t you? About him racing.”

Haruka bites his lip and then nods.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

Kou shakes her head and sighs.

“I’m not going to tell my mother. She’d have a damn heart attack. Cross-country was bad enough.”

They don’t speak for a few minutes.

“I wonder if he’s happy now,” Kou says quietly. “He seemed so out of sorts when he was home.”

“He looks happy enough in those race photos,” Haruka says, and there’s a note of bitterness in his voice. He wonders if Rin even still cares about Izza, let alone his friends.

 

That summer, the day comes that Coyote Blue is consistent enough on the flat that Eric considers Rin’s request to take her over the ‘chase course.

“Blow her out on the flat first. Six furlongs, fast. I don’t want her bolting out of control over the jumps.”

Rin nods, and Eric unsnaps the lead from Coyote’s bridle. She skitters away, trotting almost sideways onto the track. Rin strokes her neck and hushes her, and eventually she settles. Rin waits for the signal. When Eric holds up the stopwatch, Rin lets the mare go.

Rin was right about at least one thing: Coyote Blue is _fast_ , probably the fastest he’s ever ridden, and he’s won stakes now. He never carries a whip on her, and that seems to have calmed her down to know that she won’t be hit. She still gets antsy on the homestretch, but doesn’t go nuts. Rin thinks she’s at least ready for a flat race.

They pull up as the six furlong pole whips by, and Eric calls out their time as they cruise past him. Fast. _Very_ fast. She very nearly beat the track record.

“Now take her onto the ‘chase course and don’t let her run away with you. I just want to see how she handles the hurdles.”

Rin nods and makes his way over, lining Coyote Blue up where the gate would be. He keeps a hold on her mouth, but doesn’t choke her. She’s a racehorse, not a hunter. They want to see how she’ll race.

She still overjumps by about a foot, but her form is beautiful, and she doesn’t refuse once. When Rin takes her off the track, the mare barely out of breath, Eric comes out to grab her and says all right, he’ll put her in an allowance race next week.

 

They learn that Coyote Blue does not like the starting gate during that week. They’ve neglected to school her in it, and now they regret that.

Oh, she’ll go in. But once she has, she screams like a banshee and half-rears, threatening to bang Rin’s head against the top of the gate. It takes the full week before the race just to get her to stop rearing. The screaming does not stop.

 

Rin is in three races the day of Coyote’s. Hers is the second of the three. The last is a stakes on another stable’s crazy stallion. Rin doesn’t particularly _like_ that horse, but the purse is big and he could use it.

First is a flat race on dirt for two-year-old colts and geldings. Rin is on one of the Lochlanns’ new acquisitions, a big, dark bay Storm Cat grandson. Stormonthesea has got to be the laziest, most amiable Storm Cat descendent Rin has ever interacted with on the ground. The moment his hooves touch track, however, his grandsire’s blood wins out and he’s a terror. Luckily, though, he has no issue with the starting gate.

Stormonthesea breaks slowly, and Rin knows they’re not going to win this one. Storm doesn’t like dirt, and there are two horses right in front of them kicking it directly into his face. He veers around them, running on the outside, but Storm is fighting the bit. Rin has been told not to fight this colt too much, so he lets out a loop of rein and Storm shoots ahead like a bullet. They end up coming in second by a length. Storm broke his maiden on his first start, was out of the money in his second, and this is his third.

Rin sits out the second race of the day – the Lochlanns don’t have anyone in the race, and no one has hired Rin. It’s a claimer, and the only horse bought out of the race comes in dead last and pulls up lame.

Coyote Blue is in the third, a chase for maiden mares.

Charlotte boosts Rin onto Coyote’s back in the paddock, noticing that he’s gotten taller again. He wouldn’t get mounts if he wasn’t so damn good or didn’t keep his weight down – he’s almost five-nine now.

Coyote is the oldest mare in the field. The others are younger, mostly around three or four. Several of them haven’t even raced before.

A couple of the other jocks cast nervous looks Rin’s way as Coyote Blue stands in the gate, screaming her head off. She stands almost perfectly still, but that makes the banshee shriek even more unnerving. Rin offers what he hopes is an appeasing smile to the starter and the other jockeys. She’s not being destructive or dangerous, so they let her stay.

The bell rings. Coyote Blue leaps out of the gate like a thing possessed, taking the lead immediately. Rin holds her in, but Coyote darts alarmingly to the outside when another horse runs up to challenge her. Rin makes a judgment call and takes Coyote back into the lead.

“What the _hell_ is he doing?” Eric looks at Charlotte, who can’t keep her eyes off of Rin and Coyote.

At the moment, Rin is sailing over the hurdle on the turn into the homestretch, and this is the test. They’re four lengths ahead of the next horse – these mares aren’t close to Coyote Blue’s class, Rin knows that, but they also don’t have her baggage.

In the stretch, Rin feels Coyote Blue tense. He whispers in her ear, words whipped away by the wind of her swiftness. Her ears flick back for a moment, and she takes heart, surging ahead still farther and convincing Rin of the existence of those wings on her feet.

The last hurdle is behind them. The closest horse is six lengths back. Coyote Blue breaks her maiden while barely breaking a sweat.

 

Rin’s last race is the last of the day. He cooled out Coyote Blue himself, mostly because the mare about lost her mind in the chaos of the winner’s circle and chomped Charlotte’s shoulder. Coyote is settled in her stall now, and Rin has changed into the other stable’s silks.

The stallion he’s riding is a five-year-old named Practical Demon, and _damn_ does the second half of the name fit him. He’s an import with Seattle Slew in him somewhere, and the ornery old fellow has passed on his teeth. Rin has to dodge snaps more often than he’d like, and at one point he’s forced to elbow Practical Demon in the nose, at which the stallion is extremely offended. He flattens his ears and resembles a snake more than a horse, but he stops.

Rin gets a leg up and heads to the track. Demon is on the rail, and it’s started to rain. The turf is going to be wet, exactly the opposite of how both Rin and Demon like it.

There’s the bell.

Practical Demon never breaks fast, but this time he almost goes down right out of the gate, slipping on the grass. Rin blows a stirrup and tries not to panic as Demon bolts down the track in dead last, chasing the next horse. Eventually, Rin manages to reach down and shove his foot back in the iron, but they’re not in a great position.

The stallion _is_ fast, but he’s in a terrible mood now. He tries to snap at another horse as they pass him, and Rin yanks Demon’s head to the outside before he can manage it.

And then, just as they take third and Demon’s running strong, he misjudges a hurdle.

His back legs catch the jump. Rin’s stomach turns. Practical Demon falls hard, and Rin doesn’t have time to bail. He rides the curve of the stallion’s body into the ground.


	8. Recovery

Rin wakes up in the hospital a day later. The first sensations are pain, the smell of disinfectant and the pinch of an IV needle in his hand. When he manages to turn his head, he sees Charlotte, asleep in a chair.

“Hey,” he rasps. “What the hell happened?” 

Charlotte jolts awake at the sound of his voice. Her eyes are puffy and red, and he knows she’s been crying.

“Last thing I remember is Demon hitting the jump,” Rin says. “What happened to him?”

“He threw you clear. The horse behind you… clipped your head. The helmet probably saved your life. You broke your arm in the fall.”

“Is the horse all right?”

Charlotte makes a noise between a laugh and a sob.

“Just like you to care more about a horse you don’t like than your own concussion.”

“ _Is the horse all right_ ,” Rin repeats in a stronger voice, dreading the answer.

“He’s done racing. Cracked something just under his hock, but it held together since he didn’t run on it. His owners might breed him once he heals up.”

Rin sighs. At least Practical Demon is alive.

Charlotte scoots her chair closer to Rin’s bed and takes the hand with the IV in it. His other arm is encased in a cast from elbow to hand, just his fingers sticking out. At least he broke the forearm, he guesses.

“Still set on the National?” she asks, a wry smile on her face.

Rin adopts a rakish grin.

“Hell yes, you think a little fall’s going to stop me?”

Charlotte shakes her head.

“I guess not,” she says. “School starts in a month, you know. I won’t be there to help you out.” She graduated this past year.

Rin blows his hair out of his face and rolls his eyes.

“This’ll be fine by the time school starts. No big deal. I’ll be racing again before then.”

“No you will _not_ ,” Charlotte says, staring at him. “The doctor said a month in the cast and two weeks after that before you get on a racehorse.”

“Who the hell’s going to exercise Coyote, then?”

“You give me some tips and I’ll do it.”

Rin scowls. He trusts Charlotte on every other horse in the barn, but Coyote Blue is a one-man mare. Charlotte has tried riding her once, and Coyote almost threw her.

“I hope you don’t mind, I emailed that friend of yours. Thought he might like to know. You were in the paper for the wreck, but it just said you were carried off the track. I think he follows the racing section now.”

Rin stares incredulously.

“You contacted Haru. How long have you been talking to _Haru?_ ”

Charlotte looks almost sheepish.

“A while. You left your computer open on your email a few months ago. He sounded worried.”

Rin extracts his hand from hers and puts it to his head.

“Why the _hell_ would you tell Haru I wrecked myself? Now he’s going to tell my mother, and she might stop paying for school and demand I get my ass home.”

The girl looks at the floor.

“It bothers me that you don’t talk to him,” she says. “He was your best friend, wasn’t he?”

Rin freezes. Haru… yes, Haru was his best friend. He wonders if it would be the same if he went home, or if Haru has gotten sick of his distance and moved on. He wonders about Izza, how she’s doing.

He wonders if Haru could possibly still love him, in any sense of the word.

 

Haruka stares at his computer screen in shock. The race was one of the big ones at the small track, so there’s video online.

He watches Rin fall. He watches the horse in fourth kick him in the head. He watches the ambulance roll onto the track and strap Rin to a stretcher and carry him off.

And Haru has to wonder if he’s even alive, until there’s an announcement on the online newspaper that night that jockey Rin Matsuoka is in the hospital, unconscious but in stable condition.

Haruka asks Makoto and Kou to come over. He has his hands clenched in his hair, trying not to lose his damn mind.

They’re shocked. Kou almost cries. Makoto just looks at the screen, reading the story over and over.

“He’s alive,” Makoto says quietly. “He’ll be okay.” He and Kou sleep over.

 

Haruka has a new email from Charlotte in the morning.

_Haru,_

_I’m sure you saw the paper, maybe even the race. Rin is doing all right. His concussion is fairly minor thanks to the helmet, and he has a broken arm that should heal up okay in a month or so. Nothing that won’t heal completely in time._

_Charlotte_

Haruka sighs with relief, shows the email to Makoto and Kou, and sends a message back.

_Charlotte,_

_Thanks. If he’s up to it, ask him if he’ll email me. I’d like to hear from him._

_Haru_

 

Rin is awake by the time Charlotte gets Haruka’s email. She hands him the laptop, and he reads the short message. He closes his eyes for moment before he starts typing awkwardly.

_Haru,_

_I’m all right. They won’t let me ride for a month, they’re saying, but I don’t think I’ll listen. I’ve got a new mare to train. Her name’s Coyote Blue. She’s a lot like a Thoroughbred model Izza. How is my girl?_

_Also, don’t tell my mother. Please._

_Rin_

 

Haruka’s surprised that he actually got an answer. Rin hasn’t talked to him since visiting last year.

_Rin,_

_Good to know you’re doing okay. Izza likes me better than she used to. Kou’s taking her cross-country every so often, and she’s learned more freestyle. She likes the music._

He pauses at the request not to tell Rin’s mother. He asks Kou, who hesitates before saying it’s probably for the best as long as Rin’s not dying or anything.

_I’ll keep your mom out of it._

_Haru_

 

Rin sighs with relief.

“Well, he’ll leave my mum out of the loop, that’s something,” he says.

They release him the next day after determining that he doesn’t have brain damage and ordering that he not get on a horse.

He does, of course. He can’t ride Coyote Blue, she needs a stronger hand than Rin currently has, but he hops on Gibson three days after his release and gallops her one-handed. She’s not hard to rein in on gallops, just races.

He supervises Charlotte on Coyote, and she does all right. They don’t dare race her without Rin, though.

Rin keeps in loose contact with Haruka, who keeps him updated on Izza, his sister, and school when it finally starts a week before Wicklow does.

 

He gets his cast off, and the doctor orders again that he is not to race for another two weeks. Rin says he won’t, but technically there’s nothing the doctor can do to stop him once he’s out.

Eric agrees to put Coyote Blue in another chase, a higher class of allowance. Rin thinks she’s ready for stakes, but Eric and Charlotte aren’t sure yet.

Rin has a little bit of trouble balancing racing with school. He has a new roommate, another third year boy whom he’s known since their first year but with whom he has never been close. The boy is timid over the jumps, an unpardonable sin in Rin’s eyes. Even after the wreck, Rin is fearless. 

Limerick Blues is taking a year off. He’s getting older, and they’re considering retiring him. Rin would love to buy him from the school when he’s done, and he realizes that he really could afford it with the purses he’s won. The new horse he’s riding is a seven-year-old Hanoverian who has the power, but not the confidence.

They schedule Coyote Blue’s next race for a weekend, so Rin doesn’t have to miss school. He’s starting to get a little sick of the double life, but he doesn’t want to leave Wicklow.

He suspects that they’ll aim Coyote Blue at the National in another year and a half rather than the one in eight months. She’s not ready. Charlotte still isn’t convinced that she’ll ever be, but when she dominates her second race with them, Eric starts to see the light.

 

Coyote Blue turns seven. Rin turns seventeen.

She’s in graded chases now, traveling to other tracks for the big races and winning them with regularity. Even the stallions and geldings are no match for her when she’s on form. She still screams in the gate – Rin’s pretty sure that’s not going to stop.

People start talking about the National. It’s coming up fast. Rin wonders if he’d want to run the National this year if he got a mount. He’d prefer for his first National mount to be Coyote Blue, despite the mare’s inexperience and his own. Charlotte tells him that his sentimentality will get him killed.

Thirteen mares have won the Grand National, but the last one was Nickel Coin in 1951. A couple of people on the circuit have started talking about Coyote Blue as a possible entry for next year, but almost no one actually thinks she’ll win it.

Rin does.

The Lochlanns aren’t going to the National this meet, but Coyote Blue has qualified for the Topham Chase over the same course at the Aintree Festival. Charlotte is terrified.

When Rin tells him, Haruka wants to panic.


	9. Freestyle

Haruka and Makoto rarely ride at the same shows anymore. Makoto rides predominantly endurance, which fits Cruiser better than eventing, but he still goes to Haru’s and Kou’s events.

Today, Haru and Izza will compete in Freestyle together for the first time. He hasn’t had the confidence with her to leave the structured tests before now.

He can’t quite get Rin out of his head – what he would say, the tips he might offer, and of course, the fact that that idiot is probably on a batshit race mare right now – but he has to focus.

Makoto’s on the sideline with a video camera, which doesn’t exactly _help_ Haruka’s nerves, but he enters the ring looking perfectly collected. He is the last entry.

The music starts. Haruka has chosen an instrumental piece, “Nero”, which he has found fits Izza’s movement well.

Their first movement is a 360 pirouette – Haruka wanted to start off with drama – and then Izza canters down the center line in tempi, switching her leads on every stride. At the end of the line, they turn to the left and extend down that line. As the music intensifies, picking up a more steady beat, Izza performs a flawless passage, slowing until she is in piaffe, trotting in place. Haruka cues her into a collected canter from there, and as they reach the corner, he turns her down the diagonal and she executes a near perfect half-pass.

No one expected this from a seventeen-year-old boy on a nine-year-old Arabian mare, not even the people who have seen Haruka compete before. Arabians don’t compete in Freestyle Dressage, generally, but everyone can see the effort that has gone into conditioning this horse into a competitor.

Haruka and Izza come down the center line after the final turn, halt on a dime, and Haruka salutes the judge. A roar goes up from the crowd, and as Haruka leaves the ring, a man he’s never seen before approaches.

“Haruka Nanase, yes?” the man asks. Haruka nods and swings off of Izza’s back. “I’d just like to congratulate you. And I have an offer.”

Haruka tilts his head in confusion.

“Offer?”

“I’d like to offer you a sponsored place in my clinic next month. You have potential to go to Grand Prix level, Mr. Nanase, and I’d hate to see that go to waste in these little shows.”

Haruka scowls at the word “waste”.

“I’m not wasting anything.”

“Of course not, but don’t you want to go to higher levels? There are horses at my facility who know even more about dressage than you do – ”

“I like this horse,” Haruka says, and he leads Izza away. “And I ride free.”

They take home the blue and a small trophy, and Haruka is happy with it.

 

Kou rides a school horse in the Jumpers – the young Thoroughbred that Haruka rode last year, Impressive Storm – giving Izza a break. She comes in third when the gelding takes a long spot and his back hooves just barely touch the water on the other side. Kou is a little disappointed, but she doesn’t blame the horse. It’s only his second show, and he’s a little out of sorts on the showgrounds.

She leads him back to the trailer, where Haruka and Makoto are waiting. Haruka thinks that her new royal blue jacket looks especially striking with her red hair and old-fashioned jodhpurs. The bright penny coat of the gelding doesn’t hurt either. Kou’s saving up to buy him.

The five of them head home.

 

Rin watches the video that night with a smile on his face. He thinks maybe he should feel jealous that Izza has taken so well to Haruka and his discipline, but he doesn’t. He’s thrilled. She’s happy. Haruka is happy. Hell, even his sister looks happy on her new trial horse.

An hour later, at two AM, Rin swings a leg over Coyote Blue and takes her for a real run. They don’t work her in the morning anymore. They have to avoid the handicappers’ eyes if they want to keep her impost for the Topham down.

Eric shows Rin their time when he leads the mare off the track. Coyote Blue has destroyed the small track’s record for two miles.

 

Coyote Blue keeps winning races. Izza keeps winning dressage competitions.

Rin and Haruka have become famous in their respective circles, though Haruka still sticks to the mid-sized shows.

Rin plans on going home for a while in the summer, but he hasn’t told Haru yet. He’s going to ask Eric about sending Coyote Blue with him for a couple of chases at Saratoga. They suspect that she’ll be invited to the New York Turf Writer’s Cup in August if she does well in the Topham. Rin wonders briefly if he’ll be listed as an Irish jockey. Probably, considering he got his license here and has lived here for almost two years.

But for now, they’re staring down Aintree and the Topham, and Rin barely has time to email Haru once in a while, let alone plan a trip home.

 

Haru follows Rin’s journey to Aintree with nervousness hanging over him. The Topham doesn’t scare him as much as the National would, but it’s over the same fences, and many of those fences are over five feet.

Makoto is his rock – it’s not that he doesn’t worry for Rin, but he keeps Haruka from imagining every possible way Rin could kill himself on a horse. Kou has thrown herself into training Impressive Storm, and she wonders if Rin would worry about her on the cross-country course. Her mother certainly does. She still doesn’t know about Rin racing, and Kou thinks occasionally about how much trouble she’ll be in if mom discovers Rin on the Irish circuit. He sent letters and emails home last summer, but their mother worries. Good thing she’s internet challenged and they don’t have any channels with Irish racing on them.

Her husband, their father, died nine years ago. He was a jockey in the middle class of the game, and he never stopped gunning for the Derby.

He was in a race one day, on a Man O’ War descendant who was something of a throwback. Wild Wartime was the best horse he’d ever ridden.

Wild Wartime shattered his cannon bone on the turn. Rin’s father hit the ground, his leg pinned beneath the dying horse, and the field thundered over them. The last horse in the pack stepped on his chest.

And that’s why they don’t tell Rin’s mother that he’s racing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I have edited Chapter 4, in which Rin mentioned his father, to reflect the information revealed in High Speed that Rin’s father died when his boat sank.
> 
> The song to which Haruka's freestyle routine is set is "Nero", by Two Steps from Hell.


	10. Aintree

April in Liverpool is pleasant enough, Rin supposes. Coyote Blue hated the trip, but seems to have settled in decently at Aintree now. Her works are going well, but she’s not a favorite. There’s one other mare in the race who technically has a better race record, but Rin only counts Coyote’s record since they bought her, and that one is one of the best in the race.

The Topham Chase is in two days, on the eve of the National. It’s a little over two and a half miles over all sixteen fences of the National course, two of which they will jump twice. It’s a longer distance than Coyote Blue usually races, but shorter than her most recent win.

There’s no gate at Aintree, and there are twenty-nine runners in the Topham. Rin and the Lochlanns have been schooling Coyote Blue on her start, and she seems to like it better. She still lets out a scream or two while she’s waiting for Rin to let her run, but she makes a faster, cleaner start without the gate. That’s reassuring for next year.

 

The morning of the race, Haruka sets up live coverage from home. Makoto and Kou sit on his bed, watching the laptop with hearts racing. There’s a bit of coverage on the horses and jockeys – other than the National, this is the most anticipated race of the meet – and Coyote Blue gets her own story. She’s a rags to riches tale, and everyone’s a sucker for those. The Lochlanns bought her for eight thousand pounds. The winner’s purse in the Topham is nearly seventy thousand.

A reporter manages to corner Rin, who behaves like a deer in the headlights.

“How do you feel about Coyote Blue’s chances?” the woman asks. 

“All right,” Rin says stiffly.

“You and she are both first-time runners at Aintree, and you’re going off 40-1. Nervous?”

Rin shakes his head, but he looks a little green.

After a few more questions, the reporter leaves Rin alone and the coverage shifts to a couple of clips of Coyote Blue’s races. When they go to film the mare in her stall, Rin is nowhere to be found and Charlotte shoos them off.

Thousands of miles away, Haruka can’t tell whether he can laugh or not.

 

Rin walked the course last night and this morning, and shit, The Chair is huge and Becher’s is scarier in person. He’s never been this nervous before a race.

He sits in the jockey’s room in the Lochlann silks, staring at his knees. He’s the youngest jockey in the race by five years. Nine of the entries are older than Coyote Blue, but every one of them has run this race before, and among them are three former winners.

The call comes, and the jockeys head out to the paddock where their mounts wait. Coyote Blue can’t keep her feet still, and Charlotte holds her with a look of exasperation mixed with nerves on her face. Eric stands by.

Rin takes a leg up, and he wonders if Coyote Blue can feel him shaking. She certainly knows he’s nervous – she doesn’t settle like she normally does.

The moment Coyote Blue’s hooves touch the track, Rin’s nerves melt away and the mare calms. He is cool and confident, and she takes heart, behaving more like the old veterans than the greenhorns.

They canter a circle, and twenty-nine horses take off toward the first of eighteen fences.

Two horses fall at the first fence and another one throws his rider at the second. Rin can’t afford to think about them. He settles Coyote Blue in the middle of the pack, on the outside where she won’t be in trouble. He’s not worried about the stallions bothering _her_ – Coyote will not hesitate to bull another horse out of her way, and Rin doesn’t want to foul anyone. The other mare, Dancer’s Cat, is ahead of them by two lengths, boxed in on the inside. 

The Chair is next. Five-two of fence preceded by a six-foot ditch. Three horses refuse. Coyote Blue is not one of them.

To the Water Jump now. The whole field makes it over that one somehow.

Across the dirt road they go, charging to the fifth.

Five, six and seven are a blur, but then Becher’s Brook is ahead, looming, five feet with a ten inch drop on the other side. Two horses stumble and pitch their riders on the landing. Rin and Coyote Blue gallop away clear.

There are thirteen horses left in the field, and Rin and Coyote Blue run in sixth. Foinavon is a non-issue. Coyote Blue doesn’t quite understand the Canal Turn and thus runs very wide, and Rin asks her for more when they get back on his preferred path. She rockets past two laboring geldings within two strides and the mare in another.

Three horses run in front of them. The nearest is half a length ahead, the leader two lengths.

Rin’s heart leaps into his throat when Coyote Blue misjudges Valentine’s and tears a foot of brush off the top, nearly going down on the landing. The error would have put them back if the third place horse hadn’t made a worse one and fallen. So they’re in third.

Five jumps to go. It would be a miracle even to finish. Rin is one of the few jockeys not pleading with God, but he sends a request to whatever powers might be: _Please don’t let her get hurt._

 

Makoto, Haruka and Kou are all on their feet. Kou is screaming at the screen, Haruka has had a vice grip on Makoto’s wrist since Coyote Blue stumbled, and Makoto himself is white as a sheet.

They can’t speak, can barely breathe. They’ve watched seventeen horses drop out of the race, and by some miracle, Coyote Blue and Rin are still running.

As the bay mare approaches the last two jumps, still a length behind the next horse, Haruka suddenly understands why Rin is a jockey.

 

The last two fences are child’s play – Coyote Blue is tired, but she barely touches the spruce – and they’re in the stretch, flying, positively screaming down the turf. Rin suspects it’s too late to catch the hard-running stallion in front, who came in second last year.

The announcer is shrieking.

“It’s Quintessential followed by Sparrow’s Landing, and _there’s Coyote Blue on the outside!_ The long shot mare with the seventeen-year-old jockey is going to finish in the money, she’s overtaken Sparrow’s Landing now and is gaining on Quintessential – ”

Rin can’t even hear him. Coyote Blue reaches Quintessential’s shoulder a stride before the wire, but he beats her by a head. She passes him a stride after, and seems extremely offended when she isn’t led to the winner’s circle.

Rin’s heart is racing, his legs tremble, and he’s positively soaked with sweat. He knows he’ll need to be in better condition for the National, which is nearly twice the Topham’s length. But for now, he tries not to think of the future. He leans forward to pat Coyote Blue’s neck and tell her she won, they just made a mistake. The mare snorts and prances off the track, where Charlotte and her father are waiting.

“You gave me a bloody heart attack, you know that?” Charlotte tells the horse, pulling Coyote’s head down to her level. “You knew better than that nonsense on Valentine’s. You kill that boy and I swear I’ll have you pulling a cart.” Coyote Blue is tired and has the decency not to bite Charlotte, but does sneeze in her face.

Rin hops off. His knees buckle when he hits the ground, and Eric grabs his arm to hold him upright.

“You thought you were ready for the National this year? It’s not just the horse that needs to be in shape, Rin.”

Rin shakes his head, grinning sheepishly.

“I guess not.”

 

Haruka sits on his bed, dazed. Kou is replaying the end of the race – she has no interest in the interview with the winner.

She goes back just a little too far, to the moment that Rin nearly falls at Valentine’s, and Haruka feels ill again.

They almost miss the interview with Eric Lochlann, who says he couldn’t be prouder of horse and jockey; yes, he is thinking about the National for next year; and no, Coyote Blue is not for sale and won’t be anytime soon.

The three of them send Rin their congratulations, but it’s not enough for Haruka. He has to see Rin. He has to talk to him.


	11. Home

Coyote Blue gets the invite to the Turf Writers’ Cup. With her latest winnings, the Lochlanns can afford to take her overseas. Rin wonders how he’s going to hide this from his mother. Maybe he won’t.

Coyote Blue balks in front of the plane. Not a chance in hell she’s getting in that roaring metal monster. She screams at it, planting her feet and flattening her ears. They have to get the vet to sedate her before she’ll walk gingerly up the ramp, trembling. Rin holds her lead, gets her settled into the prepared stall, and sets up a folding chair in front of her. Charlotte and Eric will be riding in the animal-free section of the plane with the rest of the human passengers.

There are two other horses on the flight – Quintessential is one of them, and he’ll be in the Turf Writers’ Cup for a rematch. The other is a three-year-old unraced colt being imported by some rich owner in New York. Their handlers don’t stay. They’ll return if there’s a problem.

Rin doesn’t mind – he’s not alone, after all. He listens to the crunch of hay from the colt’s stall, the shifting sound of Coyote Blue’s hooves in her bedding. The mare sulks in a corner, still a little dazed from the sedative, but awake enough to be aggravated. Rin slips through the door and goes to her.

Coyote snaps at him when he gets close. Rin backs off and holds up his hands, turning his back on her. After a few minutes, Coyote Blue gets tired of being ignored and stalks up behind Rin to shove him with her nose. He very nearly hits the wall.

“Bitch,” Rin laughs, and Coyote Blue snorts and lips at his shirt. Rin plays with her long ears for a minute while she rests her head against his chest.

Ten hours or so later, the aircraft touches down with a bump that scares the daylights out of Coyote Blue, who finally managed to doze about an hour back. Rin, who fell asleep in his chair with his head against the stall, jolts back into awareness and darts through the door to calm the mare.

She’s the first out of the plane, and she positively charges down the ramp, dragging Rin and Eric with her. The trailer driver designated to take them to Saratoga watches with wary eyes, and Rin shoots him an apologetic smile.

“She’s not always like this, I promise,” Rin says as Coyote Blue tows him around like he’s on water skis. Eventually she stops, and she doesn’t make much of a fuss getting into the trailer. It’s nothing scary after the plane.

 

Rin may have forgotten to tell Haru he’d be in New York until last night.

Haru may be a little pissed off.

“It’s six hours to Saratoga. Unless he’s going to put us up, I can’t even afford to go.”

Makoto sighs.

Nagisa – he moved back to Mass at the end of the school year and is working at a circus as a trick rider – bobs up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Haruuuu,” he chirps. “We have to go see Rin, I haven’t seen him in three years. And he’s a jockey, I want to watch him race in person.”

Haruka sighs. It is the summer. They can go pretty much as long as they want to, but there’s not a chance of staying in a hotel or renting a house for a month, especially with the horses to take care of.  
Haruka’s phone dings. Email from Rin.

Haru,

Landed in Albany this morning, just got Coyote Blue settled at Saratoga. Don’t tell my mother.

Rin

Haru rolls his eyes and considers informing Rin that he’s an idiot and an inconsiderate bastard, but leaves it at Okay.

 

Rin takes Coyote Blue for a good run the morning he leaves. She handles Saratoga’s surface well, but her time isn’t quite as impressive as it was in Wicklow. They attribute it to the fact that she generally hasn’t raced to the left.

Eric says all right, Rin can take the rental car for the weekend, but he’d better get his ass back up here by Monday. Charlotte assures Rin that she can exercise Coyote Blue without incident.

The six-hour drive is not Rin’s favorite part of the day, and it’s past noon by the time he pulls into his mother’s driveway.

“Gou, honey, who’s there?” a voice issues from upstairs, where a window is open.

Kou pushes open the screen door and looks bemusedly at the strange car.

And it’s Rin.

Kou makes a noise that she will never admit is a shriek, and she runs to the car and grabs Rin as he opens the door.

“I missed you,” she says. “The Topham scared the shit out of me, I hope you know that. Mom still doesn’t know you’re racing. You going to tell her?”

She looks at her brother. He’s taller, about five-ten. He’s extremely lean, and Kou has to wonder if he’s had to reduce like a lot of jockeys – she read Seabiscuit last year and it gave her nightmares. Rin has assured her that he’s only riding chases lately, and the lowest chase weights are 130, so he’s managed to keep his weight down without starving himself.

Rin pats his sister’s back awkwardly.

“Topham scared the shit out of me. Pretty sure I was a goner when Coyote hit Valentine’s.”

Kou snickers at his accent. It’s gotten stronger in the past two years, and at this point he actually sounds like an Irishman. Rin glares at her a little bit.

“Gou, who is it?” their mother’s voice comes again, this time from downstairs.

She opens the door and freezes.

“Rin,” she whispers.

She walks unsteadily toward her son, who goes to meet her and hugs her tight.

“How long are you staying?” she asks quietly. She can barely believe he’s there, and she knows he won’t stay long.

“A couple of friends and I rented a place in Saratoga Springs for the summer,” he says. “I’m only down here for the weekend, but I’ll be here at least a couple of times before we head back.”

His mother leads him inside and attempts to feed him a positively huge lunch – “You look like you’re starving,” she says – of which he eats about a quarter.

“Mum, I’m going to the barn,” he says, and she nods with a small smile on her face. He hasn’t changed too much.

 

Haruka is there. Rin hears a song he recognizes as Dessa’s “The Bullpen” coming from the ring.

Rin’s face breaks into a wide grin as he sees Haru on Izza, executing maneuvers that he never thought Izza would do.

He stays quiet through the end of the song, and then starts clapping. Haruka’s head turns quickly, and Izza whirls and bolts to the fence line. She sticks her head over the fence and headbutts Rin in the chest. He laughs and pets her nose.

Haruka slides off of Izza’s back and leads her out of the ring.

“You’re a bastard,” Haruka says, but he’s almost smiling, so Rin knows he’s not completely serious. “You could have mentioned that you were going to be in town. We were thinking of going up to the track.”

One side of Rin’s mouth turns up.

“Feel free to come back with me.”

“I’m not sure why you think we can afford a hotel.”

Rin shakes his head.

“We rented a house for the summer. I asked Lochlann if you lot could stay. No big deal.”

Haruka wasn’t expecting that. He’s not sure if maybe he was looking for an excuse not to go.

“I’ll cool her out,” Rin offers. Haruka says he’ll help.

When Izza has been turned out, Haruka and Rin haul her equipment back to the tack room.

And when Haruka turns around from hoisting his saddle onto a rack, Rin takes him into his arms and kisses him.

Haruka freezes for a moment, and Rin pulls away.

“I’m sorry,” Rin says. “I just felt like I should do that at least once.”

Haruka grabs the front of Rin’s shirt and yanks him down for another, stronger kiss. Rin leans into it, one hand moving to the small of Haru’s back while the other runs through his hair. Haruka wraps his arms around Rin’s shoulders as Rin’s tongue flits into his mouth. They tangle together, licking into each other’s mouths, desperate, awkward even though Rin has some experience at this. Haru pulls away first.

“My place,” Haruka says in a husky voice that Rin has never heard before and that he needs to hear again. Rin nods.

The car ride to Haruka’s house – empty since his parents moved out of state for work – is too goddamn long. Rin can barely restrain himself from touching Haruka, taking him right there in the car.

They do manage to make it inside, but the moment the door closes, Rin is on him, pushing Haru against the wall, kissing him with a hunger that he’s never felt before. He’s been with a couple of girls, a few more guys, but this is Haru, this is different. He leaves Haruka’s mouth and trails kisses along his jawline up to his ear.

“Haru, do you want me?” he whispers, just barely grazing Haruka’s earlobe with his teeth.

He feels Haruka blush.

“I… I haven’t…” his voice trails off into a whisper, “really done this before.”

Oh.

Rin backs off a little bit. He expected Haruka to have experimented, probably with Makoto. Especially with how eager Haru was less than an hour before.

“… Don’t stop,” Haru mumbles. “Yes, Rin, yes, I want you.”

\---

“Damn, Haru. You sure you hadn’t done that before? I think you might have trouble concentrating when you see me race.” He grins lazily. He hasn’t quite had the sass fucked out of him.

“You might not make it to the track,” Haru says. “I might get jealous of that mare and pull you behind the grandstand, Rinrin.”

Rin growls at the nickname.

“Don’t.”

“Oh, Rinrin, do you still get worked up over that?” Haruka asks lightly, stepping out of the shower and shaking his hair out of his face.

“Haru, goddammit,” Rin snaps, wrenching open the shower curtain and grabbing Haruka’s arm. “I thought we agreed, when we were about fourteen, that you didn’t call me that. Sex changes a couple of things, that is not one of them.” His teeth are bared in something that could turn into an amused grin or something else based on Haru’s answer.

Haru blinks – he didn’t expect Rin to get quite this angry.

“I’m sorry. I told you I was nervous, I’m just being an ass.”

Rin’s expression softens at the apology, and he grins at the next bit. It’s not often that Haruka Nanase admits that he’s an ass.

Haru picks up a towel to dry his hair, amused by how easy it is to cheer up Rin.

Rin wraps a towel around his waist and doesn’t even pretend that he’s not admiring Haruka’s ass. “Ha, you’re breathing harder than I am. I think you’re out of shape,” he teases.

Haru flings the towel at Rin. 

“Excuse me for not being in jockey condition, but I am not out of shape.”

Rin pauses at the edge in Haruka’s tone.

“I… sorry, it was a joke,” he says. “I’ve been training like a madman for the National. I’m a little too focused on condition right now.”

Haru grumbles a bit. He supposes it’s a bit foolish to get jealous – after all, Rin has a life in Ireland and has for almost three years. But it still gnaws at the back of his mind.

“It’s all right,” he says. “It’s good that you’re training. Maybe I should do more strength work.”

“In my opinion,” Rin says, wrapping his arms around Haruka from behind and resting his chin on Haruka’s shoulder, “you look great. But I would suggest putting on a towel, or some pants, or something, before I lose my mind?”

“Wow, Rin, learn some restraint,” Haruka teases, looking around for a towel.

Rin rolls his eyes.

“You cannot walk around bare-ass naked and expect me to keep my cool,” Rin says.

“Do you think we’ll ever fuck in a bed like normal people?” Haruka chuckles, wrapping a towel around himself.

“Hell no, bed sex is boring. Wall-fuck’s about as vanilla as I get.” Rin laughs, showing his teeth.

Haruka makes a face that he knows is showing his annoyance. Rin tilts his head slightly. It can’t be the bed joke. Is he really jealous?

“Haru… what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m going to get dressed.” Haruka pulls out of Rin’s hold. Rin catches his arm.

“Haru, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to talk about it. I’ve been with a few other people, I admit that, but you….” He isn’t sure how to finish the sentence.

“I’m just a notch in the bedpost, aren’t I?” Haru asks bitterly. “But that’s not your problem, it’s mine.”

“Damn it, no!” Rin almost yells, sitting down on the edge of the tub with his hands over his face. “It’s always been you, since the first time I saw you ride. They used me, or I used them, but I’ve never loved – ” He cuts himself off, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes.

Haru turns back, and his heart aches when Rin’s voice trembles.

“Rin,” he says softly, reaching out a hand to touch Rin’s hair. “I’m sorry. When it comes to you… I guess I’m the jealous type.” He crouches down to lean his forehead against Rin’s. “I’m the same… it’s always been you.”

Rin lowers his hands and looks and Haru with uncertain eyes. The others have used him and thrown him away, and he was scared that Haru, even Haru would be one of them. The arrogance and cocky words form a shield he’s built over years.

“Haru… Haru, I love you,” he says, and he can barely believe that he’s finally had the nerve to say it.

Haru caresses Rin’s cheek with one hand and kisses him softly.

“You know I love you, Rin.”

Rin lets out a noise that is half laugh, half sob, and he stands and pulls Haruka into a tight embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have removed the smut because I read over it and I really don't like it.
> 
> Also, if any of you have gotten the reference that is Coyote Blue's name, I will love you forever. No googling :P


	12. What About Me

“Oh my _god!_ ” Makoto yells, covering his eyes. Nagisa peeps around curiously from behind him and doesn’t seem nearly as disturbed.

Haruka extracts his head from between Rin’s thighs.

“My bad. Forgot to lock the door,” Rin says. “Hi.”

“Hello, Rin,” Makoto mumbles, still hiding his face. “Welcome home. Please put on pants.”

Rin has forgotten exactly where he left his pants, and has to go looking for them. He eventually locates them on one of Haruka’s bedposts and his boxers on the closet doorknob, and returns to company holding a pair of Haruka’s looser jeans.

“Didn’t think you wanted to put the breeches back on,” he says, tossing the pants to Haruka, who pulls them on. Makoto finally uncovers his eyes.

“Thank you,” he says awkwardly. He has suspected for a long time that what Haru felt for Rin is not entirely platonic, but it doesn’t change that fact that walking in on his best friend blowing someone is weird. He’s not sure if the fact that it’s Rin makes it better or worse.

“So, ah… what’s new?” Rin asks. “Nagisa, when did you get back?”

“End of this school year,” Nagisa says cheerily. “I’m in the circus for trick riding! I learned it while I was in New York City – I interned with a big circus over the summers and holidays.”

Makoto clears his throat.

“Haru. Um. We came by to ask if you’d talked to Rin about going up to Saratoga. Did you… um… talk?”

Rin is grinning like a loon, and Makoto sighs.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Nah, we talked,” Rin says. “I have to go back up on Sunday. You lot are welcome to stay with me and the Lochlanns. Coyote Blue’s racing next Thursday, and she’ll probably have at least two other chases between then and the Turf Writers Cup. After the Cup we’re going home.”

Rin freezes.

Home.

He called Ireland home.

“Their home,” he corrects himself hastily. No one says anything for a few minutes.

“Rin, do you have videos from your races?” Nagisa asks. “I haven’t been able to find them! The only one I could find online was the Topham.”

“Well, there’s video of the one where a horse nearly brained me, but I don’t know if you want to watch that,” Rin says. “And there might be a couple online of me at the bigger tracks.”

Nagisa must have developed a morbid streak, because he sounds really enthusiastic about watching Rin almost die.

“Well, you _didn’t_ die,” he pouts when Rin asks if he’s nuts, and Rin says all right, they can watch it.

Haruka does _not_ want to watch Rin get kicked in the head by a speeding horse, but he doesn’t say anything as Rin steals his computer and sets up Youtube.

Rin hasn’t watched this race. Ever.

He watches Practical Demon stumble right out of the gate, catch himself, and bolt down the track.

He watches himself cling desperately to the stallion’s mane long enough to shove his foot back into the iron.

He watches Practical Demon hit the fence.

By some miracle, Rin is not crushed under Practical Demon’s body, but thrown clear. By another miracle, Practical Demon staggers to his feet and avoids the field.

Rin watches the fourth place horse’s left hind hoof crack him in the head. The sound can be heard even on the poor recording.

He looks over to see that Nagisa is fascinated, Makoto is looking at Rin as if to make sure that he’s not dead, and Haruka is huddled in the corner of his bed, hugging his knees to his chest. Rin is the only one who notices before Haru composes himself.

Honestly, _Rin_ has to compose himself. He never watched the race. He didn’t see the grimness of his own body lying lifeless on the track, the blood seeping from under his helmet, the urgency of the ambulance.

For the first time, Rin thinks he might be scared.

This could happen again. Worse. He could end up sidelined for a year, or crippled.

He could end up like his dad.

 

Rin calls home to tell his mother he’s staying at Haru’s, that he’ll be home for at least a little bit tomorrow and Sunday before he heads out.

Nagisa and Makoto go home after watching a few more of Rin’s races – two on Coyote Blue at the big tracks, three on other horses for other trainers.

When the door closes behind them, Rin takes Haruka into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “You don’t like the races, do you?”

Haruka closes his eyes and leans against Rin’s chest, slipping his arms around Rin’s waist.

“It’s not that I don’t like you racing,” he mumbles. “I don’t like watching you get hurt. And I’m always scared that you’ll get hurt.”

Rin rests his chin on Haru’s shoulder. He can’t promise that he won’t get hurt again. He can’t even promise to be careful, because careful doesn’t win, and it doesn’t even guarantee you won’t kill yourself. There’s an old adage on the racetrack: It’s not _if_ you’ll get hurt. It’s how often and how badly.

Haruka knows that. He knows that Rin won’t ride defensively, won’t lose focus on winning for the sake of saving his own skin.

“Is Ireland home?” he whispers.

Rin’s mouth opens, but he doesn’t speak for a minute.

Is it? He’s lived there for three years. His career is there. Charlotte and her father, practically adopted family, are there. And they own Coyote Blue.

Rin wonders if he could buy her. Probably not until the end of her career. She has potential to be one of the best ‘chase horses in the world, and Rin doesn’t want her to retire anytime soon. The oldest horse to win the National was fifteen. Coyote Blue will probably be done racing by then, but she could easily run for another five years.

Finally, his mind returns to the boy in his arms, who has hidden his face against Rin’s chest.

“I don’t know,” Rin whispers. “You and Izza and the guys and my family are here. If I could win the National and then bring Coyote Blue here, I’d be sure.” He releases a choked laugh, and a couple of tears slide down his nose and drip into Haru’s hair.

Haruka turns his head up and kisses Rin softly.

“What about me?” he asks, remembering how he didn’t say it when Rin told him he was leaving.

Rin thinks of something.

“Come with me,” he says.

Haru tilts his head.

“To Saratoga on Sunday. And then… Haru, come with me to Ireland.”

“I’m not going to be your racetrack wife, Rin,” Haruka says flatly. “And what about Izza? You want me to leave her, like you did?”

Rin takes a step back, and there’s pain in his eyes.

“No…” he whispers. “No, I’d take her too. I have the money now, I could – ”

“And what about _me?_ ” Haruka demands. “It’s all you think about, _your_ racing, _your_ new horse, _your_ new dream. What about the dream you gave up for racing? What about _my_ dream that I gave up for _you?_ What about the life I have _now_ , with your old horse and our old friends? I’m not moving to Ireland. You choose your place, Rin. If it’s here, you have me.”

Haruka’s eyes are fierce, sharper than Rin has ever seen them, but there are tears threatening to spill. This is the pain of a three-year-old betrayal.

“Rin, I _love_ you,” Haruka continues. “But that’s not all there is of me and it never will be. I want to do Grand Prix dressage. I don’t care about the Olympics, but I want to learn, to go to clinics, to ride a horse who can teach me instead of the other way around. And Izza, she’s happy enough, but she’s not mine. If you can afford to take her to Ireland now, you owe that to her. And you owe it to me.”

This is the most that Rin has ever heard Haruka say at once. And it hurts, but Rin knows he’s right. He’s been self-absorbed, distant. He’s been a fucking awful friend, for sure.

“Do you want me to go?” Rin asks quietly.

Haruka shakes his head.

“No. Stay as long as you want.”

Haruka is not sorry, and he’s not about to say that he is. But when Rin makes to set up on the couch, Haru takes Rin’s arm and wordlessly invites him to bed.

Rin falls asleep curved around Haru’s body, legs tangled, his arm draped over Haru’s slim waist.


	13. Saratoga

Haruka says he’ll drive up for Coyote Blue’s races, stay a few days at a time, but he’s not going to live at Saratoga all summer. He has a life. Makoto’s got a couple of endurance events over the summer that he doesn’t want to miss, so he’ll be driving up with Haru and splitting gas.

Nagisa and Kou, on the other hand, are absolutely fascinated by the races, and Nagisa starts begging Rin to take him up to the track. Rin says sure, no problem.

Rin is currently trying to figure out if he and Haruka are fighting. Haruka is certainly a little frustrated with him. But Rin has been making an effort to be less of an asshole, and he promised to find Avalon and buy him back for Haruka. Haru thinks that’s a joke, but Rin’s been online looking at New England show records and sale sites for days now.

He says goodbye to his mother and gets Nagisa and Kou into the car. Kou wins rock-paper-scissors for the front seat, and Nagisa deliberately sits behind her and leans his knees against the back.

“For the love of…. Do I really have to take you home, Nagisa?” Rin asks, exasperated. Kou yelps as Nagisa jabs her in the spine.

“Gou’s got her seat too far back,” Nagisa whines.

“It’s _Kou!_ ” the girl cries in annoyance.

“Kou, move your seat up a few inches. Nagisa, quit being a shit,” Rin sighs.

There’s silence for a few minutes.

“So _Gou_ , how do you feel about your brother fucking Haru?”

“Goddammit Nagisa,” Rin mutters.

Kou covers her eyes and leans her head against the dashboard, and Rin doesn’t quite know what to call the noise she’s making.

Rin shakes his head and wonders why he ever agreed to this. This is going to be a long car ride.

 

They get back late Sunday night and pull into the driveway of the rental house. Charlotte comes out and Rin is pretty sure that Nagisa falls in love with her on the spot.

“Is this your sister?” Charlotte asks in her beautiful, lilting accent.

Kou nods.

“Sorry I haven’t managed to turn your brother off of this mad sport,” Charlotte says almost mournfully, shooting Rin a mischievous glance. Kou laughs and shakes Charlotte’s hand.

“He seems to be good at it, at least,” she says, and Charlotte agrees to that.

“I’m Nagisa!” Nagisa blurts out. Rin rolls his eyes while she greets him. 

When Charlotte turns around to lead them inside, Rin whispers in Nagisa’s ear, “She’s three years older than you are and she has a girlfriend.” Nagisa’s enthusiasm deflates and he pouts.

Eric is asleep, like a relatively sane horseman, so Charlotte gets them set up. It’s a three-bedroom, so Rin rooms with Charlotte – she’s figured out she’s a lesbian and he thinks he might have a boyfriend, so it’s not weird even though they did sleep together that one time – and Kou and Nagisa share the room with two beds.

Rin spends a few minutes checking his computer for any sign of Avalon before Charlotte snaps his laptop shut and orders him to go to sleep, he has to wake up and exercise Coyote Blue in three hours.

 

Nagisa somehow managed to forget that he loves sleep and that that is not terribly compatible with living at a racetrack. He’s barely awake when Rin shoves him into the car and the five of them head to Saratoga.

The two spectators about lose their minds when the car pulls into the track grounds. Saratoga is stunning. Shockingly clean for a racetrack, too.

It’s 3:00 AM. Almost no one is actually working horses at this hour, but the Cup is a handicap and they don’t want to show the clockers what Coyote Blue can really do. She’s a very long shot at this point – a mare, a foreigner, a horse who didn’t win until the age of six – but that could all change if they witness one lightning work before the weights are announced.

Charlotte’s been taking Coyote Blue for easy gallops that some people probably think are real works. This morning, Rin will take her two and three-eighths miles, the length of the Cup. The national fences aren’t set up on the turf course, so she’ll run it without them.

It takes a little longer than he’d like to get Coyote Blue ready, because Nagisa and Kou are rubbernecking and keep asking questions.

“Shut up or I’ll have you hotwalking claimers for Pletcher,” Rin finally snaps. Nagisa looks oddly excited about hotwalking – the most mind-numbing job on the racetrack in Rin’s opinion – but he doesn’t like Todd Pletcher, so his smile fades a bit.

Eventually, Rin leads Coyote Blue out of her stall and toward the track. Kou is fascinated by the horse. She’s huge, especially for a mare, at 17.1 hands. Her entire body ripples with muscle, but her head is delicate and her eyes, while a bit nervous, are deep and kind.

Eric Lochlann boosts Rin onto Coyote Blue’s back, and he doesn’t look nearly as ridiculously tall as he does on some Thoroughbreds. Kou thinks that this looks strangely right – Rin is at home on this horse, maybe even more than he was on Izza years ago. He is free.

Coyote Blue’s work is lightning fast – there’s technically no track record for this distance without jumps, but she comes close to the steeplechase time.

They didn’t bring any other horses to the States – a family friend is taking care of Stormonthesea and Gibson and the others back in Wicklow – so the only other mounts Rin has this morning are a couple of youngsters who need to be worked. The trainers took one look at him and immediately said, “You’re a _jockey_ at that height?” and Rin said to look at his race record in Ireland if they didn’t believe him. So they put him on a couple of horses.

He rides them well, feeling them out. One of them feels like a pretty decent horse, one of them is lame. He hops off of that one immediately and tells the trainer that his horse needs some time off and that Rin isn’t going to ride him in this condition. He does get sworn at.

Rin did manage to get one mount for today, from an Irish trainer who moved overseas two years ago and still follows his old circuit. He knows Rin Matsuoka’s name damn well.

He manages to bring a horse in first that really shouldn’t have been in the money at all, and now he’ll get some more attention. Technically, Rin was a little heavy for this colt’s impost, and that just makes it more impressive. He makes a mental note to start losing weight again, though.

Nagisa offers to hotwalk the exhausted Thoroughbred, who does try to bite him but eventually calms down. Kou asks if she can be the colt’s groom. He doesn’t have an assigned one, being a very new addition who just broke his maiden today, so the old trainer says sure, he’s all yours.

 

Kou and Nagisa settle into track life surprisingly well, and they both say they’ll miss Saratoga at the end of the summer. Their employer says they’re welcome to come back for the racing season next summer if they want, because they work hard and clearly care about the horses.

Coyote Blue wins her first two races in the States – one for mares, one coed – and her impost for the Cup has been announced. 142. Not bad. She carries weight well.

Rin is getting a fair number of mounts at this point, but Kou and Charlotte are worried about his weight. He’s down to 112 of nothing but lean muscle and still a little too heavy for some of the horses he rides. American flat racing has lower weights than any chase. He’s barely eating, and Charlotte finds him in the bathroom one night with two fingers down his throat.

“ _Damn it_ Rin,” she says, yanking him into the bedroom. “If you can’t ride certain horses, _you can’t ride certain horses_. Don’t do this. Please.”

His sunken-eyed gaze falls sullenly to the floor. His mental state’s suffered – he’s on edge and a little disoriented from reducing as much as he has. Charlotte puts her hands on his shoulders, and she can feel bone jutting through his skin.

“You look like hell. You clearly _feel_ like hell. You can choose not to ride low-weight horses. Your body isn’t meant to live like this.”

Rin growls and swats her hands away.

“I need the money.”

“No you _don’t_ ,” Charlotte says. “You live with us, you’re still on your mother’s health insurance, and you legally can’t buy a racehorse while you’re a jockey. Why the _hell_ do you think you need the money so badly that you’ll starve yourself half to death to ride long shots?”

“Don’t want to rely on you forever,” Rin mutters. “Want to buy a place.”

When Haruka was here – the last time was a few weeks ago, before Rin lost another ten pounds – Charlotte heard the terse conversation about where Rin is going to go to college. He’s planning on finishing high school at Wicklow, but he doesn’t know if he’ll stay in Ireland after that. Hell, he doesn’t even know if he’s _going_ to college. A lot of jockeys don’t.

Haru will be coming up again on Wednesday, the day before Coyote Blue’s last race before the Turf Writers Cup in three weeks. Quintessential’s owners have been avoiding her, but two colts who will be in the Cup are in this race. It’s a good test for her.

 

The day before Haruka comes up to Saratoga, Rin finds Avalon.

The gelding is in Pennsylvania, a school horse at a dressage stable. Apparently, the people who bought him from their barn sold him about a year and a half ago.

Rin calls the owner to ask about him, says that his friend used to ride the horse and would love to own him. The man gives Rin a number, and he doesn’t even bother to haggle. He says he’ll make the trip to come get Avalon in a couple of days.

When Haru and Makoto get to the house in Saratoga Springs, Rin is at the track on a horse he had to trim himself to 109 to ride. Charlotte took a day off. Nagisa and Kou are enough support staff for Rin at this point, and her father is there.

She comes out to meet them. Haruka’s talked to Charlotte online, but has never seen her in person. He sees why Rin took to her –she is kind and intelligent, with an air to her that makes it easy to speak openly. Makoto makes friends in about five minutes.

“Do you want to go to the track?” Charlotte asks. “Rin’s in two more races today.”

They head out and get there for the last two races of the day. Rin’s in both. He finishes out of the money in the first of them, but he’s riding the longest shot on the board.

The second one he wins by three lengths.

And then, as the horse slows after the wire, Rin slides off of his back and hits the ground.

He gets up almost immediately, and his hand is still clenched around the colt’s reins. He tries to pass it off, even taking a bow. A few people laugh. Charlotte is white as a sheet.

“What happened?” Makoto asks, distressed, and Haru’s eyes are wide.

They rush down to the winner’s circle, and the moment the owner lets Rin off the horse again, Charlotte grabs his arm and drags him back to Coyote Blue’s stall.

Rin is deathly pale, his breath rasps in his chest, and his legs are shaking. Charlotte would love to slap a little sense into him, but she thinks she might knock him over if she does.

“Rin,” Makoto whispers. “Rin, what did you do to yourself?”

They can all see. Rin has more than overdone it. He’s sick as hell.

“Going to have to scratch for tomorrow,” Charlotte says, shaking her head. Rin gives her a glare that would be intimidating if he didn’t look about to keel over.

“Don’t you dare,” he says.

“Well then eat like a normal bloody human being tonight and _keep it down_ ,” Charlotte snaps. “You were lucky today. If you pass out on Coyote in the middle of a chase, you’re going to get killed.”

She retrieves Nagisa and Kou from the neighboring barn and drives the lot of them back to the house.

 

Dinner is a quiet, tense affair. Charlotte has to keep threatening to scratch Coyote Blue to get Rin to keep eating. He has one other race tomorrow, but it’s the last of the day and he’s riding the favorite, who has a high impost.

Rin dumps his dishes in the kitchen and heads to the bedroom. Charlotte stops him and insists that Haruka stay with him. Rin growls and pulls away.

“Haru, take care of him, all right?” Charlotte asks Haruka sadly. “Maybe he’ll listen to you. He’s sick. His head isn’t always where it should be. But he… he loves you.”

Haruka looks in the direction of Rin’s door, which Charlotte left open. The sheets on the far side are draped over Rin’s bony form, the sharp angles of his shoulder blades visible as he lies facing away from them.

“If he gets up in the middle of the night, will it wake you up?” Charlotte asks. Haruka nods. “I know maybe it’s weird, but don’t let him go anywhere by himself. He’s been purging.”

Charlotte rooms with Kou when Makoto and Haru are here, and Makoto and Nagisa take the couches.

Haruka heads into Rin’s room, knocking lightly on the door as he does. Rin doesn’t move. Haru crawls into bed, edging up close to Rin and draping an arm over his waist. He can feel Rin’s ribs against his arm, Rin’s spine against his chest. He still has strong, lean muscle, but that’s all there is of him.

“I got something for you,” Rin mumbles, half asleep. Haruka leans his head against the base of Rin’s neck and tries to keep it together.

“Why did you do this?” he asks quietly. He doesn’t really care what Rin got him.

Rin rolls over and holds Haruka close, but that doesn’t help, because now Haruka can feel just about every bone.

“Why, Rin?” Haruka whispers. “You could kill yourself. Racing is one thing, but this….”

“I’m all right.”

“You passed out on a horse today. And I can feel every bone in your body. You’re sick.”

Rin closes his eyes. He’s exhausted. He does feel like shit.

“Come with me to Pennsylvania on Friday. I’m picking up a new horse just outside of Philadelphia.”

“I don’t trust you to go anywhere on your own right now anyway,” Haruka says.

Rin scowls.

“I’m not a child, Haruka.”

“You’ve been _starving yourself_. You’re sick and you need someone to keep you safe. And I want it to be me.” The last sentence is soft, gentle. Haruka frees one hand from the sheets and caresses Rin’s cheek. God, even his cheekbones are sharp, and Haruka would cry if he were the type to cry.

Rin doesn’t speak for a few minutes, and Haruka realizes that he’s asleep. Haru’s fingers run through Rin’s silky hair, and he presses a soft kiss to Rin’s forehead.

 

Rin wakes up in the middle of the night. Haruka’s arm is still around his waist. He feels stuffed. He wants to get rid of at least some of the enormous goddamn meal that Charlotte made him eat.

He knows that Haru is a feather-light sleeper. Haruka will wake up the moment Rin moves his arm. Rin tries to slip out from underneath the arm, away from the warmth of Haruka’s body against his own, and his feet touch the floor.

“Rin, please,” Haruka’s voice comes from behind him, tired and sad.

Rin stands up, but doesn’t move.

“Come back to bed, _please_ , Rin,” Haru says. The tone of his voice is heartbreaking.

“I’m just going to the bathroom.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Fine, I’m going to puke my guts out, are you fucking happy?” Rin hisses.

Haruka throws the sheet off of his body and swings his feet onto the floor. He grabs Rin’s wrist and pulls him back, away from the bathroom door, back toward Haru. He holds Rin tightly, his head against Rin’s chest, listening to the steady beat of Rin’s heart. Rin doesn’t hold Haru. Rin is trying to figure out what the hell he’s doing.

Eventually, Rin puts his arms around Haruka, kisses him softly, and gets back into bed.

 

Coyote Blue’s race is the first of the day, as the steeplechases always are. They made Rin eat breakfast and he looks a little less like he’s about to die than he did yesterday, but Charlotte insists that she will do the work and that he will go to the goddamn jockeys’ clubhouse.

Haruka and the rest are on the ground against the fence with Eric Lochlann. Haru is exhausted. He hauled Rin back into bed two more times last night, and had the rather awkward experience of following him into the bathroom when Rin had yelled at him that he just needed to take a piss, _dammit_.

He supposes it’s possible that Rin is purging in the jockeys’ bathroom. But he did promise. So maybe he isn’t.

The call of “Riders Up!” comes, and shortly, the horses parade onto the track. Coyote Blue is number four out of six. The blood bay mare is taller than all of the colts, and her jockey doesn’t make her any less conspicuous.

It’s not much of a race. Coyote Blue breaks perfectly and handles the fences without effort. One of the colts comes up to challenge her at the end, but she staves him off. Rin doesn’t fall. He seems to be all right.

People start talking about Coyote Blue as a serious contender in the Turf Writers Cup. She hasn’t raced other Cup entries before.

If he were allowed, Haruka would follow Rin into the jockeys’ clubhouse until his next race. Haruka knows that he can’t control Rin, but he also knows that it’s easier not to do this kind of thing when you have some support.

Rin considers it. Three of the other jocks leave the bathroom at various times, wiping their mouths, and Rin knows he could do it. He’s not too heavy for his next mount today. But he’ll be riding long shots again in a few days.

Rin walks in, and the memory of Haruka’s heartbroken voice hits him like a ton of bricks. Rin turns away from the stall marked “Purging here only”.

He gets on his next mount. The colt is the favorite in this low graded stakes. He wins. The race is not exciting, but Rin’s ten percent share covers some of what he’s paying that riding school for Avalon tomorrow.

 

That night, Haruka asks Rin if he purged in the jockeys’ clubhouse. Rin says no. Haru believes him.

When they go to bed, Haruka runs his hands over Rin’s body. The sharp lines of his collarbones. The hard, jutting points of his hips. The ridges of his spine, the lines of his ribs. Haruka closes his eyes against potential tears, leaning his forehead against the hollow of Rin’s throat. Rin pets his hair and kisses him and says go to sleep, they’ve got plans tomorrow.

Rin wakes up once during the night. He manages to focus on Haruka in his arms, and he gets back to sleep.


	14. Avalon

Rin sleeps in for once, and it helps his irritability. He still growls when they make him eat something and almost breaks dishes throwing them into the sink.

He and Haruka hook up the trailer and get in the truck around eight. It’s a four and a half hour drive. They only stop once, because Haruka wants a coffee. He forgets to follow Rin to the bathroom. Charlotte’s cooking doesn’t taste nearly as good coming back up.

Haruka knows. He orders a sandwich at the coffee place and says something along the lines of _fucking eat it or I will shove it down your throat._

When they finally pull in, Rin has to check the address. This doesn’t look like a dressage barn, it looks like a run-down lesson place. The field is nothing but muck, and the few horses they can see look like backyard breeding experiments. One of them, a pinto, is skin and bones.

But no, there’s the sign.

“What are we doing?” Haruka asks quietly. “This place looks terrible. Why does Lochlann want a horse from here?”

“Stay here,” Rin says. Haru looks at him with concern. “Oh for the love of god, I’m not going to puke in the bushes, I just have to talk to the owner.”

Rin walks into the barn. He’s hoping that he has _somehow_ ended up in the wrong place – that Avalon is not here, but at some nice, classy dressage stable.

He finds a door marked Office and knocks on it.

“Who’s there?” a voice issues from inside.

“Rin Matsuoka. I called you about a horse the other day.”

The door opens. The owner is a man in a dirty t-shirt who Rin doubts has been on a horse for longer than a trail ride in twenty years. There are bags under his bloodshot eyes, and a cigarette dangles from his lips. Rin’s opinion of the place drops another few notches. You don’t smoke in a barn. It’s one of the first things they teach you.

“Oh, are you the kid who’s going to pay me five grand for an old lesson horse?” the guy asks with a wheezing laugh.

“If it’s the horse I’m looking for,” Rin says. He’s getting more nervous by the second.

“He’s outside. You got the money?”

“Money and a trailer,” Rin says, heading back out. The owner follows.

Haruka is in the disgusting field, petting the scrawny horse.

And Rin realizes that the horse is not a pinto. He’s just covered in mud.

He’s a gray.

He is a tall, gray Trakehner who used to be beautiful.

And now Haruka is crying. Rin considers joining him. But he can’t lose his cool now.

Rin _really_ doesn’t want to give this man five thousand dollars. But he can’t leave Avalon here. Animal Control in this area is spotty – he could be dead by the time they even send someone to look.

“That your horse?” the owner asks.

Rin would love to deck him, but all he says is, “Yes.”

Rin gives the man his money. He tells Rin which dirt-caked halter belongs to “Smokey”.

And Rin steps through the gate. Haruka turns around. His hand does not leave Avalon’s neck.

“Haru, I’m so sorry,” Rin whispers. “I tried to find him sooner, I tried – ”

“Stop. You found him. He’s alive. That’s all that matters right now. Thank you.”

Avalon has not lost his flawless manners. He walks next to Haru, who loosely holds the lead, and steps up the ramp into the trailer without incident.

Rin calls Philadelphia Animal Control on the way back to New York.

 

They have to put the grain that Rin brought in the back of the truck. It’s too rich for a horse this skinny, and he’d probably colic. He gets all of the grass hay he can eat, and they stop the truck every hour or so to let him out, stretch his legs, and maybe nibble at the grass for a few minutes, not enough to make him sick. His teeth are bad, so he doesn’t get as much down as they’d like.

Rin takes pictures of Avalon, and Haruka asks what the hell he’s doing, and Rin says he needs to send Animal Control some kind of evidence. Most of the other horses on the place didn’t look this bad.

The smart thing to do would be to take Avalon and never come back, never think about that place again. But those sad-eyed horses in that muck pit of a field will haunt Rin for the rest of his life if he does nothing.

There’s a barn just outside of Saratoga Springs where some of the Skidmore kids keep their horses during the school year. It’s still populated, but not nearly as much so as it will be when school starts. Rin called ahead when he found Avalon, and there’s space for him. He’s going to have to alter some of his specifications, though.

The owner is understanding when Rin comes in to explain the situation, but the state of Avalon still shocks her. He’s skinny, of course, but he also desperately needs his hooves trimmed and his teeth are jagged from lack of care. When they manage to get some of the mud off of him, they find scars.

The first thing Avalon needs is food. He can’t handle heavy, rich grain yet, and his teeth are too bad for most hay. The best option is to soak hay pellets and make a kind of mush that he can eat without chewing. Eventually, when he’s stronger, they’ll be able to fix up his teeth and start feeding him Equine Senior to put weight on. His hooves will take more than one visit from the farrier to get them back to a normal shape.

Haruka has decided to stay in Saratoga Springs until after the Turf Writers Cup. Partially to keep an eye on Rin, partially to help with Avalon. In three weeks, the horse should be able to make the six-hour drive. Makoto is going home tomorrow and will take care of the horses there. Rin will drive Haruka back in the truck.

Rin signs over the papers. Somehow, that idiot in Pennsylvania didn’t lose or destroy them.

Avalon belongs to Haruka.

 

Back at the house that night, Haruka doesn’t know what to say other than thank you. He’s drained. There are several things he’s having trouble believing.

Avalon is his.

Avalon is a wreck.

Rin found Avalon.

Rin is sick.

Avalon is his.

The vet says that Avalon will be all right in time. By some miracle, there’s no real damage to his legs, just some soreness from the bad hoof angles making him stand funny. He needs to gain back weight and muscle, but that’s not close to impossible. His personality seems to be intact, even, and that’s what surprises Rin the most. He looks a bit like Izza did when he pulled her out of that auction, and Izza was a frazzled ball of mental damage maybe worse than Coyote Blue.

Rin is glad that he found Avalon. Even if he and Haruka hadn’t made up, he would have gotten the horse out of there.

But the thought hangs at the back of his mind.

_You’ve never cried for me._


	15. The Turf Writers Cup

Rin doesn’t stop riding the low-weights. He tells Haruka that he isn’t purging, but he’s lost a few more pounds. Charlotte seriously considers contacting his mother and getting him into a hospital. Haru says don’t, and starts comparing Rin to Avalon, who is doing well under his care. Charlotte very nearly slaps him.

“Rin is not a _horse_ , Haruka, he’s a seventeen-year-old with an eating disorder. I wish we’d never come, he wasn’t like this in Ireland – ” She cuts herself off and looks with wide eyes at Haruka, who is wearing an expression of immense guilt.

He wonders if it’s right to ask Rin to stay in the States. Rin is a jockey. To be a jockey here, he’s been starving himself. Haruka starts to wonder if it’s his fault that Rin is sick.

 

They’re at the house after Rin’s last race of the day, and the rest of the temporary inhabitants are still at the track. Haruka can’t get the thought out of his head that this is his fault, his fault that Rin’s body is so fucked up that he’s almost shutting down.

It’s been a while since Rin kissed him with this kind of hunger, and Haruka returns it, holding Rin against the wall and kissing him hard, thinking _I love you, I love you_ , but never saying it because he’s trying not to pressure Rin to stay.

Rin loves him, Rin wants him. Rin wouldn’t mind staying here in Haru’s arms forever, not worrying about his weight or which continent is home.

They end up on the bed, oddly enough, because the grinding of Rin’s shoulder blades against the wall actually really hurts him. Haruka tries to be gentle. Rin feels so breakable.

Rin still prefers Haruka to take him from behind, so he can hide his face if he wants to. Right now he’s got his head on a pillow, gasping for air while Haruka plays with him the way he knows Rin likes.

“Do you want me?” Haruka murmurs, running his free hand down Rin’s spine while the other picks up the pace inside of him.

“ _Yes_ , Haru, please, stop being so gentle and _fuck me_ ,” Rin groans, bucking his hips, trying to get Haru’s fingers deeper.

Haru doesn’t have it in him today to prolong things. He eases into Rin, who starts moaning low in his throat, his breath hitching with every thrust. Haruka tries to lose himself in the sensations of Rin’s body, but that doesn’t help because Rin’s body feels like he could collapse at any moment. Haru isn’t rough today, the way he is sometimes. He’s almost worshipful, running his hands down Rin’s back and chest, kissing his shoulders and neck, trying to tell him that he’s beautiful, trying to tell him that Haruka loves him and would do anything for Rin to be all right again.

Haruka loves Rin. He thinks now that he probably always has.

They finish within seconds of each other and lie together, limbs tangled. Rin’s eyes are closed, and Haruka just looks at him for a few minutes, memorizing every line of him. He moves in closer.

“Rin,” Haruka breathes into Rin’s neck, his hands on Rin’s sharp hipbones. “God, Rin, I’m so sorry.”

Rin pushes him away.

“ _Sorry?_ ” he asks. “Sorry for _what?_ It’s not your fault I’ve gotten hurt, not your fault I don’t eat. I came here to ride Coyote Blue, but I happen to have a career that gives me a disadvantage if I weigh too much. You have nothing to do with that.”

Haruka doesn’t know what to say. It seems pretty conceited, now that he thinks of it, to believe that Rin came here for him.

Rin’s eyes narrow, and he sits up and swings his legs off of the bed. He stands and heads toward the bathroom.

“Rin – ”

“I’m taking a fucking _shower_ , Haruka, you don’t have to follow me everywhere.”

“I just want – ”

“Go home.”

The two flat words hit like a punch in the gut. Haruka can’t speak for a few seconds.

“… What?”

“Go _home_ ,” Rin hisses. “You don’t even like the fucking track, you don’t care about my career. Take your horse and _go home_. I’ll talk to you when I have time.”

Rin disappears behind the bathroom door and Haruka hears the sound of running water.

 

Rin doesn’t even drive Haruka back. Makoto drives up with Sasabe’s trailer and picks up Haru and Avalon. Rin is at the track when Haruka leaves. He tries to lose himself on a horse and forget.

 

Very few of the non-steeplechase people at Saratoga understand what a big deal this race is.

There are ten horses in the chase. A New York bred six-year-old stallion, Galaxy Gaze, is the 3-1 favorite. Coyote Blue is tied with Quintessential, who hasn’t been racing quite as well as she has, at 9-1.

They’re off.

Everything feels like it’s happening in slow motion, like the horses are running underwater. Rin has managed to remove Haruka from his mind, however temporarily, but nothing feels right.

Coyote Blue is not supposed to shoot to the lead at the start of a nearly two and a half mile race.

Rin realizes at some point that they are five lengths ahead of the field and they should not be five lengths ahead of the field. He tries to slow Coyote Blue, who takes the bit in her teeth and nearly wrenches the reins from Rin’s grasp.

The longest shot on the board bolts out of the pack and comes to challenge. Coyote Blue flattens her ears, snakelike, and charges ahead. The long shot is strung out, disorganized, and he refuses the next fence.

Almost two miles in and now Coyote Blue seems tired. The rest of the field is strung out behind her. Seven of the ten are still running.

Three furlongs left, and Rin thinks _please, please, don’t lose it now_. They’ve come so far. The crowd is roaring. They’ve never seen a chase like this.

Two horses break away from the small cluster three lengths back. Rin looks back under his arm and sees the gray, Galaxy Gaze, and there’s the chestnut Quintessential flying on the rail.

Coyote Blue leads by a length.

Half a length.

Quintessential is at her hip.

Her shoulder.

Her throat.

And it’s over.

And Coyote Blue has won.

And Rin feels nothing.


	16. Fall

Coyote Blue’s win in the Turf Writers Cup has proven her to much of the American steeplechase community. The National is still uncertain, but Rin believes she can win it.

They’ll go back to Ireland at the end of the Saratoga season. Rin has requested some time off from school – he’ll do online courses for now.

Coyote Blue will have one more race before going home, but it won’t be for three weeks. In the meantime, Rin rides every horse he can get. He’s in three or four races a day if he’s lucky. He’s still riding low-weighted horses. Without Haruka to keep him together, he’s lost more. Charlotte starts to consider calling his mother again. Rin is lethargic when he’s not on a horse, he’s tired and sick and weaker than he’s ever been.

Kou and Nagisa have both tried contacting Haru. They don’t know what happened between him and Rin. They don’t know that he’s not coming back for Coyote Blue’s last race in the States.

 

Avalon isn’t ready for riding yet, but Haruka has started with some longe lining to build some muscle. He’s gained weight surprisingly well over the past month. He was about a hundred and fifty pounds underweight, and he’s gained fifty back. His hooves are nearly at a normal shape after two farrier’s visits, and his teeth have been floated, so he can eat normally and does so with great eagerness.

At the end of fifteen minutes – Haruka doesn’t want to push his luck – he coils the line around his arm and Avalon walks up to him to rub his head against Haruka’s shoulder. Haru pats the horse’s cheek and leans his forehead against Avalon’s for a minute.

He wishes he could do something, _anything_ , for Rin. But Rin doesn’t want him to come back. Rin is angry, and hurt.

Haruka tacks up Izza. Until Rin picks her up, she still needs to be exercised. 

 

The Irish trainer who employs Kou and Nagisa is doing better lately. It helps that Rin has a soft spot for him and agrees to ride practically all of his horses. Rin is good at his job.

Rin manages to hold a conversation with Quintessential’s jockey in the clubhouse before a chase in which neither of their star mounts is running. His name’s Seijuurou Mikoshiba, a Japanese-born jockey who moved to Ireland a few years before Rin did. He’s even taller than Rin, but he’s successful enough that he can choose to only ride chases, meaning he doesn’t have to reduce nearly as much.

“I watched a few of that mare’s early races, before you had her. What you and that trainer pulled off is incredible. Quintessential is the best horse I’ve ever ridden, but she’s something else when she’s on form,” Mikoshiba says.

Rin nods a little stiffly.

“Pulled her out of an auction for eight thousand pounds.”

The other jockey whistles.

“And how much has she won for you now?”

Rin has to think about it for a minute. Almost a hundred thousand dollars for the winner’s share of the Cup prize, the second place purse in the Topham, the wins and places and shows in between. He doesn’t count the bets that the Lochlanns have made on her.

“Couple hundred grand, I think,” he says.

The call comes, and Rin and Seijuurou head out.

They’re two of the more popular chase jockeys at Saratoga this season, so it doesn’t really surprise anyone when Rin brings the favorite home first. Rin’s started having trouble giving a damn about winning, but it’s still nice to get his ten percent.

When they get back to the clubhouse and Rin peels off his silks, he can practically feel Seijuurou staring.

“The hell are you looking at?” Rin snaps.

“You’re a chase jock, right?”

“Back in Ireland, yeah.”

“You can’t be over 110. You look like you’re starving.”

“We’re all starving.”

“Not like you.”

Rin’s eyes narrow. _Not like me?_

“And what does that mean?” he asks coolly.

“Hey, hey, don’t get icy on me. You’re almost six foot and you’re riding low-weights on the flat. You look like you’re about to keel over. Let me buy you dinner or something.”

Rin shakes his head. This guy is nuts. And he’s either hitting on Rin or way too concerned about him for some other reason.

“No point in treating me. And I just won the only kind of race you ride, shouldn’t it be me buying?”

Seijuurou laughs.

“Yeah, maybe you should treat _me_.”

“I don’t want to go to dinner with you,” Rin says, rolling his eyes. “And I have another mount today. Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“Wait wait wait,” Seijuurou says quickly. “I have a question.”

“I have a race.”

“The girl working for McLean. The redhead. That’s your sister, right?”

Rin’s eyebrows contract, and he looks at Mikoshiba like he’s grown a second head.

“… Why?” he asks slowly, suspicious.

“Well. Um. She’s… she’s beautiful, you know, and I was just wondering…”

“I am _not_ going to give you my sister’s number!” Rin says sharply.

The last thing he needs is Kou dating a jockey. _Especially_ a jockey from Ireland. Most definitely especially a jockey from Ireland who rides Coyote Blue’s biggest competition. Basically, the last thing he needs is Kou getting more attached to the racetrack than she already is.

 

That night, back at the house, Rin pulls Kou aside and warns her of the danger of Seijuurou Mikoshiba.

“So… you don’t want me getting involved with a jockey. Isn’t that what you _do_ want Haru to do?” she asks, a sly smile decorating her face.

If Rin were the type to hit girls, he would at least punch her in the shoulder. As it is, he’s not.

“No.”

Kou’s eyes widen.

“What do you mean, no? Did you guys have a fight? What happened?”

“… Nothing. He went home. He didn’t want to be at the track anymore.”

Kou knows he’s lying. Rin’s eyes are angled up and to the left, and he always does that when he’s lying. But Haru’s not talking to her and Rin’s a stubborn bastard, so she’s not going to get anything out of him.

“Mikoshiba doesn’t seem like a bad guy,” she says instead.

Rin scowls.

“He’s a jockey. I know for a fact that we’re all assholes.” He grins a little bit, and Kou hugs him. It’s good to see him smile. She leans her head against Rin’s chest, all too aware of how thin he is.

“Talk to Haru, okay?” she asks.

Rin says he will. But he probably won’t. At least until after Coyote Blue’s race.

 

The day comes. Mikoshiba’s in the chase like he always is, and Rin considers decking him in the clubhouse because he went on a date with Kou last night. He doesn’t.

Charlotte gives him a leg up, like she always does. It’s a race like any other, Rin tells himself, but he can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong.

They make their way onto the track.

The bell rings, and the horses leap into motion. Coyote Blue feels strong, and she surges ahead.

And then Rin hears a crack on the landing after the second to last jump.

Coyote Blue hits the ground like a ton of bricks. Rin’s right leg is pinned under twelve hundred pounds of horse. He tries to drag himself out from under the mare’s body as she screams in pain and fear. She tries desperately to get up and falls again, but Rin manages to get out from under her despite his crushed leg.

Charlotte is running onto the track. The field has run by, the ambulances are rolling toward Rin and Coyote Blue.

She freezes when she sees Rin, sitting with Coyote Blue’s head in his lap, petting the mare’s forelock with deadened eyes. His leg is bent in a direction that legs shouldn’t bend. In two places, bone has broken his skin, and there’s blood everywhere.

“Charlotte,” he says, and there’s agony in his voice, and he should be screaming but he’s not. “Charlotte, don’t let them put her down. Please. She can fight. She’s stronger than they’ll think. Don’t let them put her down.”

Mikoshiba circled his horse at the end of the race and ran like hell back toward Rin, and he’s here now.

“Fuck,” he says, eyes wide, holding his head. “Fuck, _fuck_. Matsuoka, you’re going to be okay, all right?” He kneels next to Rin, gripping Rin’s shoulder, his gelding’s reins looped over his arm.

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” Rin snaps, and his resolve is slipping, and tears are escaping, and he hugs Coyote Blue’s neck like the mare is a lifeline. “Don’t let them put her down, _please_ , Charlotte, don’t let them.”

“I won’t, Rin, I won’t, but you have to go now,” Charlotte says, tears in her eyes as the ambulances roll up. “We’ll get her to a hospital and she’ll be okay.”

The EMTs strap Rin’s leg to a board and he barely restrains himself from screaming, and he’s gripping the sides of the gurney until his knuckles turn white.

 

They have to put him out for a while at the hospital because his control is gone and he’s screaming and can barely breathe by the time they get him there.

When he wakes up, they tell him they managed to save the leg and set the breaks – there are about twenty screws in the bones – but it’s a hollow victory.

He might walk.

He’ll never ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally cried writing this, if it makes anyone feel better about the fact that I'm a terrible human being.


	17. Broken

Haruka hasn’t been following the Saratoga race paper.

He doesn’t see the story _Irish Jockey Rin Matsuoka Hospitalized._

So when his phone rings a day later and Rin’s name pops up, he doesn’t know why.

“Hello? Rin?”

“Hey,” Rin’s tired, hoarse voice comes through the speaker. “Hey, Haru… how’s Izza doing?”

“She’s doing well,” Haruka says slowly.

“Avalon?”

“Much better. We should be able to start some easy riding work soon.”

Rin clutches the phone to his ear, and his hand tightens around it at the word “riding”.

“You know, you should start riding Grand Prix when you can. He knows his stuff. A good trainer could probably take the two of you all the way.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Haruka says. He’s a little confused by Rin’s sudden interest in Grand Prix dressage. “How’s Coyote Blue?”

Rin doesn’t speak for a full minute. Coyote Blue is doing about as well as he is. Her cannon bone has a spiral fracture, and the mare is in a sling to keep the leg off of the ground. She’ll never race again. 

She’s alive. But in the way Rin is alive – in limbo, doomed never to do the thing she loves most for the rest of her life.

“Rin?”

“She’s… she’s okay.”

Haruka knows that that’s a lie.

“What happened?”

Rin hangs up. He can’t do this. He can’t talk to Haru about the fact that he’ll never get on a horse again. He hits the call button next to his bed and hopes that morphine is enough to knock him out for a while.

 

Haruka and Makoto are in the car within two hours. While they’re on the highway, Haruka’s phone rings again. Charlotte.

“Charlotte, what’s going on?” he asks, not bothering with a greeting.

Charlotte sits outside of Rin’s room, one hand to her forehead and the other holding the phone to her ear. Kou and Nagisa are in with him.

“Rin got hurt.”

“What happened.” Haruka says it flatly, like he almost doesn’t want to know.

“Coyote Blue… fell. She’s got a spiral fracture, but she’ll live.”

“I’m asking about _Rin_ , what the fuck happened to _Rin?_ ” Haruka is surprised at his loss of control. It’s not that he doesn’t care about Coyote Blue. But for once in his life, he cares more about the man _on_ the horse.

He hears Charlotte take a deep breath.

“His leg’s broken. Badly. Two compound fractures, lower halves of both bones are shattered, and his knee is wrecked. They said… they said they’ll do a knee replacement if they find out… that he’s going to be able to walk.”

Haruka swerves into a rest stop and slams on the brakes. Makoto almost whacks his head on the windshield.

“ _Walk?_ That’s a _question?_ ”

Makoto stares at him. He can’t make out the words on Charlotte’s end, but he sure as hell hears Haru.

 _No_ , he thinks. _No, that can’t be right._

“We’re on our way,” Haruka says dully. “We already were.”

“I think he’d like to see you,” Charlotte tells him, and her voice is low and tired.

But when Haruka gets to Saratoga Springs, visiting hours are over. He goes to the house and hides in Rin’s room. Charlotte’s there. She squeezes his hand and says nothing.

 

Kou calls their mother. She’s suspected for a while that Rin was a jockey, apparently. She’s at the hospital within six hours. Immediate family can get in whenever.

“Yeah, yeah, get off,” Rin mutters as his mother smooths his hair and kisses his forehead, but he doesn’t really mind. It’s almost one in the morning, but he hasn’t been able to sleep. He’s thinking too much – about Coyote Blue, about Haru, about what the hell he’s going to do with his life.

The couch in Rin’s hospital room is a pull-out bed. His mother shares it with Kou, hugging her daughter close and every so often waking up to check on Rin. He’s always awake, staring at the ceiling.

 

Charlotte drives Makoto and Haruka to the hospital. Nagisa stays behind this time – the place makes him uneasy, and god, just _looking_ at Rin makes him want to cry.

When they get there, Charlotte gets them in.

Haruka’s heart is racing in the elevator. He doesn’t know what he’s hoping for. Maybe that everyone’s been lying. That Rin isn’t hurt. That Rin will be standing there and he won’t be broken, and Haruka will go into his arms and everything will be all right again. This doesn’t feel real, this isn’t right, this isn’t happening. Makoto reaches out to hold Haruka’s hand and tells him it’s okay, and Haruka shakes his head. It’s not okay.

The elevator stops.

Charlotte leads them down the hallway.

And suddenly everything is real, because that plastic plate on the door says Rin Matsuoka and Haruka freezes in front of it, staring at those stark black letters.

“Come on, Haru,” Charlotte says softly.

She knocks on the door, and Rin’s mother opens it. She’s haggard, exhausted, but her eyes light up when she sees Haruka and Makoto, and she pulls them into a hug.

“Thank you,” she murmurs. “You’ll be good for him.”

She steps aside.

Rin is looking out the window. His leg is hidden under the blankets and encased in a bulky cast up past his knee. Kou sits next to him, holding his left hand in both of her smaller ones.

“Mum, who – ” he starts to ask, and the words die in his throat when he turns his head.

“Rin,” Haruka whispers. He’s not sure it is Rin for a moment. This dead-eyed broken mockery of what Rin used to be is sitting in a room marked with Rin’s name, and all Haruka wants is to fix it and he _can’t_.

“Hey, Haru,” Rin says, and he almost sounds ashamed.

Haruka can’t speak. He walks up to Rin’s bedside and collapses into a chair.

“Man, you have no right to look sadder than I do,” Rin tells him.

Haru’s pretty sure he doesn’t look sadder than Rin does. Rin’s eyes are missing the spark that they’ve held for all the time Haruka has known him. Rin is too far gone to cry.

“Hey,” Rin says, reaching out a hand to poke Haruka’s forehead. “Cut that out. I’m alive, the horse is alive. I’m good.”

 _Stop_ , Haruka wants to tell him. _Stop, I know this is killing you, you’re not “good”, you’re lying in a hospital bed and you might never walk again._

“I called the vet this morning,” Charlotte says, and Rin looks up at her. “Coyote’s doing well. She fought the sling at first, but she’s better now. Once she heals up, we’ll be able to breed her if we want.”

Rin’s mouth flickers into something like a smile at the image of Coyote Blue with a foal at her side.

“Go take pictures, okay?” he asks.

“I’m pretty sure she looks like hell.”

“That makes two of us then,” Rin says. “Come on, Charlotte, I think I deserve some proof that my girl’s hanging in there.”

Charlotte gives him a weak smile and says okay.

A doctor walks in, a student tagging behind her.

“Rin Matsuoka?”

Rin raises his hand. The woman smiles at him, and he raises an eyebrow rather than smiling back.

“I’m Dr. Morrissey. Your surgeon.”

“Any insight on this thing?” Rin asks, jerking his thumb in the direction of his right leg.

“I have your x-rays with me,” she says. “Care to look?”

“Sure, why not,” Rin mutters.

Morrissey asks Rin’s mother if it’s all right for the others to stay while she discusses Rin’s recovery, and she agrees.

The slides paint a grim picture. The first set is an absolute nightmare – half of Rin’s lower leg resembles a bag of crushed ice, and the two compound fractures do not help matters. The second is a little less terrifying, but the huge cracks along with the plates and screws holding the bones together aren’t pretty.

“Well, that’s attractive,” Rin says weakly, and Kou squeezes his hand. Makoto looks like he might be sick.

“I’m going to get physical therapy in here tomorrow and see if we can get you up on crutches for very short intervals,” Morrissey says, collecting the x-rays. “You should be able to walk once those fractures heal up, and I think you’d be better off with a knee replacement than reconstructive surgery, considering the level of damage. It’s most likely that you’ll always have a limp, unfortunately.”

“What about riding?”

“Mr. Matsuoka, it is all but definite that you will never be able to safely ride a horse. Please don’t try.”

He’s been told before, but it still hits like a punch in the gut. No, not a punch. It’s deeper than that, sharper, agonizing.

But she said _all but_ definite. That isn’t certainty. It means there’s a chance.

Morrissey realizes what she’s said a little too late.

“Mr. Matsuoka,” she says sharply. Rin looks up. “Unless a licensed orthopedic surgeon tells you that it is safe for you to ride a horse, _do not_ try to ride a horse. You could easily cripple yourself for life if you break that leg again. You could break that leg again just by putting enough pressure on it to ride.”

Rin suddenly finds his lap very interesting.

“Okay,” he says. But it’s not okay. Pretty much nothing is okay.

“It will be at least three months before we can remove your cast and a few weeks of strengthening therapy before the knee replacement. That will take another three months or so before you should be able to walk independently for significant periods of time. There will be atrophy, and you’ll need physical therapy to get muscle tone back. It will be at least a year after the surgery before you recover as much as you’re going to. We also need to talk about your current weight,” Morrissey says, looking at her clipboard.

Rin scowls.

“What about my weight?”

“You are on the edge of emaciated. I understand that you were a jockey and that you have been purging. I have to warn you that your recovery will not be helped by this kind of behavior, and that your mother feels that it is safest for you to be here and in therapy until your eating disorder is under control.”

“I don’t have a fucking _eating disorder_ , I had to keep my weight down to ride,” Rin snaps.

“Please do not swear at me, Mr. Matsuoka. You are a minor and therefore your mother has the final say in this matter. It is best for your health that your diet is controlled for the time being.”

Rin takes a moment to shoot a glare his mother’s way, and she shakes her head and looks at him with teary eyes.

“Charlotte,” he says. “You know me, you know the track. Tell my mother that I don’t have an eating disorder.”

“You do, Rin,” Charlotte says softly.

Rin exhales sharply through his nose and looks at the ceiling.

“ _Fine_.” His voice is rough, angry. He’s pretty sure he’s not in the mental state to deal with this today.

Morrissey leaves a few minutes before Seijuurou shows up.

“Party in Matsuoka’s room?” he asks in a weak attempt at lightness. “Hey, man, how are you doing?”

“Fuckin’ lovely,” Rin says, rolling his eyes.

“Good to see you’re still friendly.” Seijuurou tries to smile. He gets about halfway there. “I never got to buy you dinner, so I brought cheeseburgers. Hungry?”

Rin realizes suddenly that he is. And that there’s no goddamn point in not eating anymore. He manages to finish about half of a burger before he feels a little sick. Everyone else is just grateful for something besides hospital food. Not that the hospital food is bad, exactly, but Seijuurou got some damn good cheeseburgers. Rin manages to suppress a noise of annoyance when Kou gives Seijuurou a kiss on the cheek. _Fine_ , she can have a foreign jockey boyfriend.

The painkillers make Rin sleepy, and eventually he can’t keep his eyes open. Seijuurou says he’ll come back tomorrow. Kou, her mother, and Charlotte head outside for a bit of fresh air after a while, leaving Makoto and Haruka with Rin.

“What the hell… why him, what the _hell_ ,” Haruka mutters, holding tightly onto Rin’s hand.

Makoto squeezes Haruka’s shoulder, but he’s in shock as much as Haru is. He’s always known that jockeys get hurt. But most of them don’t get hurt like this, especially so young.

He can’t tell Haru that Rin will be okay this time.

All he can do is sit there, watching Rin breathe, watching Haru break.

Rin’s eyelids flicker open, and he holds Haru’s hand with as much strength as he has.

“Makoto,” he says, and Makoto edges closer to listen. “Take care of this idiot, all right? Don’t let him have a breakdown over me.”

“Yeah, I will,” Makoto promises. “But come on, Rin, you’re talking like you’re dying. You’ll be – ”

“Don’t say okay.”

Makoto falls silent for a minute.

“You’re not going anywhere, is my point,” he mumbles.

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.” He doesn’t sound sure. “Haru, talk to me. Tell me about Avalon.”

Haruka looks up from staring at Rin’s hand.

“He’s doing great,” he says quietly. “He’s gained most of the weight back, and we’re working on muscle now. The vet said easy riding work should be okay soon. He’s happy. He’s a lot stronger.”

“Getting along with Izza?”

“Yeah. He definitely missed her. I think she missed him, too. She doesn’t even try to steal his hay or bite him anymore.” A choked noise that might be a laugh makes its way out of Haruka’s throat.

“Haru,” Rin murmurs. “Look at me.” Haru does. “Go for Grand Prix. Yeah, Avalon’s a little older than most of those horses and you’re a little younger than most of those riders. But do it anyway. Do what you love. Don’t worry about me.”

And Rin realizes that he never wanted to see Haruka cry. Not for him.

“Hey, stop… don’t, please.” Rin grips Haruka’s hand and he can feel it shaking. “Come on, pull yourself together, you’re acting like you’re the one who’s never getting on a horse again.” It hurts so much to say it. It’s the first time he has. But Haruka stops. And they don’t speak. They hold onto each other like lifelines, only letting go when a nurse comes in to adjust Rin’s IV.

The three women return, and Haruka realizes that it’s started to get dark outside. The nurse comes back to say that visiting hours will be over in ten minutes.

“Rin, I think I’m going to go back to the house tonight,” Kou says. “If that’s okay with you. Mom’s staying here.”

“No problem.” Rin waves a hand at her in almost a shooing gesture. Kou hugs him briefly before drawing away and following Charlotte out.

Haruka gets up stiffly and loosens his grip on Rin’s hand. Makoto takes it for a moment and tells Rin they’ll be back, and Rin almost smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry


	18. The Long Way Back

The next day, Charlotte goes to the veterinary hospital where Coyote Blue is recovering. The mare is surprisingly alert, and doesn’t seem scared by the sling that keeps her casted leg off of the floor. The assistant who’s been mainly in charge of her care tells Charlotte that the prognosis is very good for Coyote Blue, barring complications.

The mare sticks her head out toward Charlotte as far as she can, and Charlotte pets her silky nose.

“Wondering where Rin is, girl?” she whispers. “He’ll come visit you when he can. He’s hurting now, like you are. Can’t move much. But he misses you, pretty girl.” She takes a few snapshots, and Coyote is _definitely_ posing.

Pictures of Coyote Blue, bright-eyed with every chance at being fine, are enough to put a real smile on Rin’s face.

 

Eric Lochlann has to go home. Considering that neither Rin nor Coyote Blue can travel that kind of distance and Rin can’t go back to Wicklow anyway, Charlotte stays for the time being. Technically, Charlotte owns the mare, so she doesn’t need her father’s permission to make decisions.

Rin’s mother calls Wicklow to explain why Rin won’t be coming back. Rin sits in a wheelchair with his hands pressed to his eyes, thinking about the gorgeous campus, teachers he actually _liked_ , and Limerick Blues, whom he will never ride again. He wonders if Wicklow actually retired the gelding like they said, or if he’s got a new kid to teach.

The rental period on the house runs out after two more weeks. The doctors finally okay Rin going home, considering he started eating like a relatively normal human being after being threatened with a feeding tube.

Rin hasn’t lived in his mother’s house for three years – he hasn’t even seen his room this summer. It’s strangely comforting to be surrounded by the trappings of his childhood. He manages to haul himself up the stairs on his crutches, Kou following him with a hand on his back.

“They said I can do stairs, Kou, you don’t have to _baby_ me,” he grumbles when they reach the top.

“They said you _might_ be able to do stairs _with a spotter_. I’m not going to take the chance of you falling.”

Rin sighs and heads toward his old room.

It seems that no one has touched it in the two years he’s been away, but that can’t be right because there’s no dust. Rin notices the presence of a Lonesome Glory Breyer model he saved his pennies to buy when he was ten. The great American steeplechaser (Rin had just liked his name at the time – who could have known?) stands sentinel on his bedside table. On his bed, a stuffed horse he’s had since he was six lies next to his pillow with a shark Beanie Baby on its head.

“Mum….”

“No, me.” Kou stands beside him, smiling softly.

“I’m seventeen.”

“I know for a fact that you couldn’t sleep without that horse for a week at Wicklow, don’t give me that ‘I’m seventeen’ nonsense.”

Rin rolls his eyes and nudges Kou’s shoulder with his fist.

“I’m going to bed,” he says, sitting down on the mattress and pulling his bad leg up after him.

“You have your phone, right? Call me or Mom if you’re coming downstairs and I’ll help.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rin mumbles, yanking the covers over himself.

 

His cast won’t come off for another nine weeks, and Rin already hates it more than he has ever hated an inanimate object. It’s hot, itchy, heavy, and he can’t fucking _shower_ so he has to either use dry shampoo or get someone to wash his damn hair for him when it gets disgusting.

He snatches his phone off of the bedside table and locates Haru’s number.

_Get me out of here –Rin_

He waits a few minutes before the phone trills.

_Did something happen? –Haru_

_No. That’s the point. Get me out of here. –Rin_

_Getting in the car –Haru_

Rin lies with his arms folded behind his head and his leg propped up on a couple of pillows. He’s barely left the house in the week since getting home. He slept through the first couple of days – or would have, if he weren’t up taking painkillers every three hours.

He hears Haruka’s car roll into the driveway, and the doorbell rings a few moments later.

“Give me a minute!” Rin calls down the stairs. He grabs his crutches from the side of the bed and forces himself to stand up, keeping the bad leg off of the floor.

The door opens downstairs, and he hears Kou greeting Haru before calling, “Don’t go down the stairs by yourself, I’ll come help!”

Rin sighs and waits for Kou to come up the stairs and take one of his crutches so he can use one and balance on the railing with his other hand. He’s getting so sick of this.

Haru stands awkwardly by the door, and the way he looks at Rin is really damn annoying.

“I told you to quit feeling bad for me, Haru,” Rin says, a little sharper than he intended. “I don’t need pity from you.”

Haruka makes an effort to look at Rin with something resembling cheer, but it winds up looking forced and plastic. Haru can’t fake happiness to save his life.

“Where are we going, Rin?” he asks.

“Take me to the barn.”

Kou’s shock is evident on her face. Rin hasn’t talked about horses since he got home, not even Coyote Blue.

“Are you sure?” Haruka asks hesitantly.

“I want to see Izza. Check out how Avalon’s doing. I want to watch you ride, Haru,” Rin says quietly.

No one speaks for a minute or so. And then Haruka takes Rin’s hand.

“Let’s go,” he says quietly.

Haru sets the passenger seat back as far as it will go so Rin can fit his casted leg into the car, and Kou helps him in. Rin internally screams with frustration.

Haruka drives as carefully as he can until they reach the barn, though he can’t avoid a couple of bumpy spots, and Rin winces as the car jerks. When they finally park, Haruka goes over to the passenger side to give Rin some support on his way to the ground and hand him his crutches.

Rin looks wistfully over toward the pasture, where he can see Izza galloping about like the yearling she still seems to think she is. He can’t take his eyes off of her. In a separate paddock is Avalon, who looks like a horse again instead of a walking skeleton. They can’t put him in with the others yet, because he needs his feed protected and he’s not quite up to it.

Haruka puts a hand on Rin’s shoulder. Rin barely notices.

“Be careful, okay?” Haruka says softly.

“I can’t go out there.” Rin’s voice is dull. “Exactly what do I have to be careful of?”

“Everything. The ground isn’t level. It’s sandy, you could slip. Rin, please. I’ll get Izza for you, I’ll keep her steady so you can….”

Rin’s mouth twitches into a weak half-smile.

“Thanks.”

“I’ll walk you into the barn and then go get her, okay?”

Rin never takes his gaze off of the field. His eyes betray his broken heart. With a pained expression, he tears away and hobbles into the barn on his crutches with Haru at his side. His throat and chest hurt more from holding back tears than his leg does from being crushed to bits.

Haruka leaves him for a few minutes, grabbing Izza’s halter off of her stall door and heading outside. It doesn’t take long to halter the mare – she caught a glimpse of Rin earlier and she’s been at the gate for ten minutes. Haruka throws an arm over her neck and hugs her before he starts moving.

“Keep calm, girl, okay?” he asks. Izza nudges his shoulder and starts to pull toward the barn. Haru more follows than leads.

The mare knows. She makes her way toward Rin, who leans on her stall door, but she doesn’t shove him with her head or paw at his feet.

“Hey, beautiful,” Rin says with tears in his eyes, letting go of one of his crutches to stroke Izza’s nose. “You miss me, pretty girl?”

Izza looks at him with those deep chocolate eyes and rests her head against his shoulder without pushing. She has missed him. She knows that he’s hurting.

Rin drops the other crutch and leans both of them against the door before wrapping his arms around Izza’s neck and letting go, crying into her mane without even trying to stop himself. Haruka holds Izza’s lead loosely, letting Rin cry like he hasn’t since he was a child. Rin needs to let it out, release the heartbreak and frustration and loneliness of being so close to his horse and yet so far from what they had been before and would never be again.

“I can’t do this,” Rin chokes. “I can’t do this, I can’t….”

Haruka wants to tell him that it will be okay. He wants to tell Rin that he’ll be able to ride again, that his dreams aren’t out of reach. He can’t. Rin has a one in a million shot at riding again. He doesn’t have a chance in hell at the Olympics or the National.

“Should we go?” he asks softly.

“No. I said I wanted to watch you ride.”

“Is that going to hurt too much?”

Rin lets out a choked laugh.

“You can’t hurt me,” he whispers.

Haruka doesn’t want to ride Rin’s horse in front of him. But Avalon isn’t ready and if Rin wants to see him ride, he won’t deny him that small comfort.

Rin sits in a lawn chair that someone has dragged into the barn, watching while Haru grooms and tacks up Izza. And maybe it’s not true that this won’t hurt. But he needs to see it. He needs to see that the two of them are okay, even if he isn’t.

When Izza is saddled, Haruka snaps her halter onto the rope in the stall and follows Rin outside to the ring, ready to catch him if he stumbles or falls. Rin shouldn’t feel nearly as resentful of the boy he loves as he does right now. After he’s settled into a chair outside the fence, Haruka disappears back into the barn to bridle Izza and emerges shortly, leading one of the two mares that Rin loves more than anything.

After he goes through the gate, Haruka fiddles with the controls on the speaker system and starts the music. Fountains of Wayne’s “Cemetery Guns”. Izza perks up immediately, and she prances in place as Haruka swings into her saddle.

They’ve only practiced this routine a few times, but Izza remembers it perfectly, clever girl that she is. Rin watches in silence, but a couple of tears make their way down his face.

They’re beautiful. They’re perfect.

Rin loves Haruka. But right now, all he sees is someone else on his horse, someone else who has a chance at his dream that has shattered with his leg, and he can't help but resent that person.

Two hours later, when Izza has been cooled out and released back into the pasture, Rin hauls his ruined leg into the car and Haruka takes him home.

 

Charlotte calls a month later. Coyote Blue has recovered enough to move, and the cast is off. Charlotte thinks that having her close to Rin will help both of them.

Haruka doesn’t know. It will be easier for Charlotte, certainly, to be here and therefore much closer to everyone in the country that she knows. But Rin, despite the fact that he insists on going to the barn, doesn’t ever seem happy about it.

Technically, Rin is back in school now. He can’t go in, but he’s enrolled and takes the classes from home. Considering he doesn’t have much else to do, he does the work. 

Rin has another two weeks left in the cast the day that a trailer rolls onto the property, attached to a truck driven by a familiar girl. Haruka is startled – he didn’t intend to have Rin here at the time that they arrived. He supposes it’s not a problem, but Rin looks stunned.

The blood bay mare limps down the ramp. She sees Rin and stops dead. A high whinny issues from her, and she pulls Charlotte toward her broken jockey and lips at his hair.

Rin _laughs._

Haruka’s eyes widen in shock. He hasn’t heard Rin laugh since before his injury. He watches as Rin twines his fingers into Coyote Blue’s mane, murmuring nothings with happy tears in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this is so late.


	19. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a job and I'm getting a horse within six months and she's going to be an off-track racehorse and I'm 94% sure I'm going to call her Coyote Blue no matter what she's registered as.

There’s a new kid in Nagisa’s year. Well, technically _Nagisa_ is the new kid, considering that he transferred, but Nagisa doesn’t quite see it that way.

“Come on, Rei, you’ve never been on a horse?” he asked, wide-eyed with concern for his new friend’s sanity.

“N-no,” Rei Ryugazaki says awkwardly. “I’m….”

Nagisa looks horrified.

“Come to the barn with me!” he cries. “Makoto and Haruka go too, and you might get to meet Rin if he’s there.”

Rei has heard of Rin Matsuoka. His uncle lives in Saratoga Springs, and he told Rei about the big steeplechase wreck that put down one of the best jocks in the business. Rei was very surprised to learn that Nagisa knows him, let alone that he’s technically enrolled in their school. Nagisa hasn’t shut up about him in a while – how he’s recovering, how he’ll be having his knee replacement soon and be back in school in a month or two after that.

Rei might be a little jealous, and he finds himself feeling ridiculous and ashamed about it. Jealous of a man who has lost everything? What’s wrong with him?

Eventually, Nagisa’s pestering convinces him to check out the barn, but he states adamantly that there’s not a chance in hell he’s even going to sit on a horse.

 

Rin sits outside of Avalon’s stall, which is between Izza and Coyote Blue. The mares get along better than he expected, but they both like Avalon better than each other. Currently, though, Avalon’s not there. He’s finally progressed to dressage work, and he and Haruka are out in the ring

Rin flicks his cast. One more week. One more week and he’ll get rid of it, then another surgery. At least after the knee replacement he’ll be in a brace instead of a cast.

His roommate from Wicklow has been in touch. He wants to come visit, feels awful about losing track of Rin until the accident. Rin isn’t sure he wants to see anyone from Wicklow, but Aiichirou isn’t a bad kid, so Rin extended an invitation a few days ago. Aiichirou’s thinking of visiting around Christmas break, which starts in three weeks. Rin’s next surgery is scheduled for the weekend before break, but that doesn’t seem to bother the kid, so Rin doesn’t complain. It’ll be good to have someone else who understands.

Coyote Blue sticks her head over the door of her stall and whickers for attention. Rin grabs his crutches and heaves himself upright to go to her.

“You’re doing great,” he says as she rubs against his hand. She is. They’ve been able to put her in her own small paddock outside now, and she’s getting along remarkably well. The fracture is healing textbook clean, and the vet has informed them that they’ll be able to breed her this coming season if they’d like to.

Rin has it in his head that she might be a hundred percent someday. It’s possible. There have been a couple of horses that went back to racing after spiral fractures, but no one wants to risk Coyote Blue doing something so dangerous with so little chance of reward.

Then again, Rin also has it in his head that _he_ might race again.

Rin hears a car roll up, crunching on the gravel. He doesn’t move. He suspects Makoto or Nagisa.

He gets both plus one.

“Rin!” Nagisa cries, running once he sees inside the barn but slowing to a walk once he gets there – no scaring the horses, especially Coyote Blue. Rin grabs his crutches and lets Nagisa hug him, grateful that the younger boy is careful of the bad leg.

“Who’s that?” Rin asks, jerking his thumb in the direction of Rei, who stands awkwardly just outside the barn door next to Makoto.

“His name is Rei, I brought him because he’s never been on a horse before and I thought he should at least see some.” Nagisa beams. “C’mon, Rei, come meet Rin and Coyote Blue!”

Ryugazaki takes tentative steps into the barn, and he jumps when Izza whinnies at him as he passes her.

“I don’t think she likes me,” he whispers.

“Nonsense, she’s just saying hi,” Nagisa says dismissively. “But she bites sometimes, so petting Coyote Blue is safer.”

Rei’s wide eyes do not look confident of that, but he makes his way to Coyote Blue’s stall.

“You’re Rin, aren’t you?” he asks.

Rin nods and takes Rei’s offered hand.

“Rin Matsuoka, resident cripple,” he says dryly.

Rei doesn’t know how to respond to that. Is he supposed to laugh, look sympathetic, what?

“Coyote Blue,” Rin says, gesturing to the mare who has stuck her head out of the stall and is resting it on Rin’s shoulder. “She’s in significantly better shape than I am. Prettier too, and she knows it.” He leans his head against Coyote’s cheek, stroking her nose. The mare nickers softly.

Rei has never seen an animal like Coyote Blue. She is magnificent even in her diminished condition, and he feels like he could disappear into her eyes.

“Haru’s out riding now,” Rin says. “Avalon’s back in shape.”

“If anything’s going to convince you to get on a horse, it’s Haruka on Avalon,” Makoto says. Rei does not look convinced.

Rin starts to hop toward the barn door that faces the ring, the opposite direction from which the others entered.

“Follow Nagisa, he moves faster than I do,” he says over his shoulder.

Despite Rin’s instruction, the other three follow him instead. Rin growls under his breath, sick of being coddled. The moment he notices Ryugazaki’s pitying look, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t like this kid.

As they get closer, Haruka and Avalon come into view. They’re not doing anything fancy, just working on leg yields and circles at the trot.

It’s enough to make Rei’s breath catch in his throat.

He’s always thought that horses were beautiful, but riding never appealed to him. In this moment, watching Avalon float over the ground, everything changes.

“Can I learn… to ride like him?” he asks reverently.

Rin rolls his eyes and says nothing. Ride like _Haruka?_ Yeah, sure. No one rides like Haruka.

“You can sure learn to ride,” Nagisa says eagerly, and Makoto agrees. “I can put you on a pony and we can at least do some walk-trot in the ring. Or a trail ride if you want!”

Rei shakes his head almost violently at the thought of a trail ride. The concept of being in unfenced woodland on a thousand-pound animal with a mind of its own is not appealing.

“I don’t know about that…” he says.

“Reiiiii,” Nagisa whines.

Haruka suddenly notices the presence of four people, and he walks Avalon over to the fence.

“You’re Ryugazaki, aren’t you? Junior year?” he asks. Rei nods. “I’m just cooling out now. If you want to get someone ready, I can help you out in a few minutes.”

Nagisa looks thrilled, and he drags Rei off toward the field, chattering incessantly about which horses are available to ride, which ones are least likely to toss Rei off of their backs, and which ones bite. Makoto tags along, shaking his head and offering Cruiser as a trial mount.

Rin stays, watches Haruka and Avalon wind down. Everything hurts. When Haruka slides off of Avalon’s back and leads the gelding out of the ring, Rin turns away.

“… Rin?” Haruka asks.

“Go back to the barn.”

“I’m not supposed to leave you alone.”

“ _Go_ , Haru. You’ll be a hundred yards away, that’s not leaving me alone.” Rin limps over toward the chairs by the fence and slowly lowers himself into one. Haruka watches with worried eyes, but Rin has a point. And he’s sitting down, he should be fine. So Haru goes.

 

Nagisa hops on Paddy for the first time in years, and Makoto gives Rei a boost onto Cruiser’s back and sets him loose. Rei is muttering something under his breath, and Makoto looks quizzical.

“What was that?”

“I’m calculating his muscle tone, weight, height, how fast I think he can move and how strongly he can buck based on those facts, and how far it is to the ground, and how many bones I will break if he decides to throw me off.”

Nagisa snorts. Makoto gives Rei a gentle, reassuring look.

“Cruiser doesn’t buck and he won’t throw you, Rei. Just follow Nagisa and Paddy, okay? Nagisa, you _walk_.”

Nagisa pouts. He wants to zoom around and hop over a few jumps. He can’t do that with a raw newbie in the ring.

Rei has serious trouble balancing for the first circuit of the ring, but he seems to be getting a handle on walking. He even cracks a smile.

Rin feels sick.

“Haru, please take me home,” he says quietly.

Haruka looks at him and places a hand on Rin’s shoulder. Rin shrugs him off.

“Rin….”

“ _Please_ , Haru, I don’t want to be here.”

Haruka gets up.

“Makoto, Rin’s leg is bothering him. We’re going to head out,” he calls.

Makoto comes over to the fence, concern on his face.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says. “Feel better, all right, Rin?”

Rin resists the urge to roll his eyes. That sounds likely.

“Yeah.”

Rei passes them, holding Cruiser’s mane. Rin’s eyes are dull. He can’t help hating Ryugazaki in this moment. This is a complete novice, and yet he has every opportunity that has been snatched from Rin’s grasp.

Haruka gives Rin his crutches and volunteers his arm as support to get out of the chair. Rin tries to get up without it. He can’t. He takes the offered hand, momentarily squeezing his eyes shut against tears. He needs to get out of here.

When Haruka takes him home, Rin sleeps for a solid day.

 

It snows that weekend.

Rin is essentially housebound. No one will let him outside on crutches and he doesn’t want to go outside in a wheelchair. Charlotte, who’s been living with them since she came south, tries to keep him responsive and interested by telling him about Coyote Blue. The mare is doing almost unbelievably well. She’s progressed to free turnout now, and when Charlotte let her loose into her private paddock, she took off at a floating trot with barely a hitch in it.

Rin is glad that Coyote Blue is improving. But it’s distant, like a lot of his emotions are these days. Feeling things is hard. It’s exhausting. Feeling makes him more vulnerable than he already is.

He’s tired all the time. He spends more time sleeping than he ever has. And he’s started to lose weight again. He managed to gain almost twenty pounds after the wreck, and seven have come back off.

It takes a week before the snow melts, and Haruka visits Rin every day. Haru is scared. Rin’s depression deepens.

He gets his cast off. His leg has atrophied to a point that would disgust him if he were capable of giving a damn. They put him in a brace for now, to protect and support his knee until the surgery in two weeks. He can walk a bit without crutches, but it doesn’t excite him. He’ll lose that ability again in two weeks, why does it matter?

At some point, Rin just doesn’t try to function anymore.

“Rin…?” Charlotte asks softly, standing in his doorway as he lies in bed for the third day in a row. “Rin, do you want to go see Coyote Blue? She’s missing you.”

“She doesn’t need me, she’s a horse,” Rin mumbles.

“ _We_ need you.”

“No you don’t, no one fucking needs me, I’m broken and useless and I want you to go away.”

Charlotte doesn’t go away. She takes a few more steps into Rin’s room and sits gingerly on the edge of his bed, exceedingly careful of the braced leg. A gentle hand reaches for Rin’s shoulder.

“Sweetie, your mum wants you to talk to someone. I know you’re not feeling so good right now – ”

“If I knew I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, I’d be the closest thing to happy I’ve been in months.”

Charlotte freezes. The hand on Rin’s shoulder clenches, and she moves the other one to his cheek, turning his face in her direction. His eyes have never looked so defeated.  
“Rin, please,” she whispers, her voice shaking. “ _Please_ try to believe me, you’ll be okay. You’re going to get better, your leg will heal up and… Rin, you can’t give up like this. I need you, Haru needs you, your family and Coyote Blue and Izza need you.”

Rin sighs and makes an effort to look Charlotte in the eye.

“I’m never going to ride again, I might as well stop deluding myself and you might as well stop supporting that.”

“You have a _chance!_ And giving up is throwing that away. Your new x-rays look so much better, even Dr. Morrissey said you might have a shot after the knee replacement.”

Rin drags himself into a sitting position and leans heavily against the headboard, staring at Charlotte with a hint of interest.

“When did Morrissey say that?”

Charlotte hesitates. She wasn’t supposed to tell Rin. But if that’s what it takes to pull him out of the darkest place in his head he’s ever been, she’ll do it.

“After we got the new x-rays when your cast came off. They sent them to Morrissey and she talked to your mother on the phone. We weren’t going to tell you because we didn’t want to give you too much hope in something so uncertain. But it’s _possible_ , Rin.”

Rin still looks like hell, he’s still exhausted and broken. But there’s life in his eyes that hasn’t been there since the last day he rode Coyote Blue. He can’t help being a little angry with Charlotte and his mother for keeping this from him, but he can’t bring himself to be too angry in the face of this potential miracle.


	20. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have found my Coyote Blue and basically if you are wondering what Coyote Blue looks like you should go to coyoteblue.co.vu and check out her gorgeous face.

Aiichirou Nitori arrives the day before Rin’s knee replacement, and goddammit, he’s crying in the middle of the airport and Rin can’t handle this shit.

“Ai, shut up,” he said gruffly. “I’m not dying.”

Nitori does stop crying, but now Rin feels like he’s kicked an orphan puppy.

“Rin….”

Rin shoots him a look that clearly states that he does not want sympathy of any variety and that Aiichirou needs to respect that. The kid pulls himself together as well as can be expected, and he starts following Rin through the airport back toward his mother and the car. Rin flatly refuses to take the offer of a wheelchair despite the slow progress and the pain in his leg. Crutches are bad enough.

When they get outside, Rin’s mother is waiting in the car. Rin manages to get into the front seat without help, which he files as a positive. It’ll be gone tomorrow, but for now he’ll deal with what he’s got.

 

Surgery goes textbook simple, but that’s not much comfort to Rin when he wakes up. He hasn’t been in this much pain since the crash. Once again, morphine is his best friend. Sure, Haru’s there too and he still loves Haru, but there’s a level of pain that sort of erases emotion.

He has a different surgeon this time – it’s just not practical to get Morrissey all the way down from New York – and the man is good at his job, but less pleasant to interact with. Rin doesn’t mind all that much; the skill is more important than the personality.

He’s up walking on crutches within a day. One of the most crucial parts of this surgery is not to let scar tissue stiffen up the joint, so movement and physical therapy are essential. They release him after another night, and Rin is glad to be home.

 

Aiichirou stays for two weeks. Rin makes an effort not to snap when the kid shows signs of pitying him. Honestly, it’s good to see someone from Wicklow. Aiichirou tells Rin that they actually did retire Blues, and he’s living the good life as some fearless adult amateur’s pet. Rin smiles at the pictures of the gallant old fellow acting about ten years younger than his age.

When it comes time for Ai to head back to school, Rin’s actually a little melancholy about it. He likes Aiichirou, and Rin misses Wicklow enough to really appreciate a piece of it. But he has to go back to school. Can’t miss too much for the sake of a broken former classmate.

 

Six weeks in, Rin can walk without the brace, though he’s still a little shaky. The surgeon looks at him like he’s lost his damn mind when he mentions horses, and he is told inarguably that he will not ride. Rin keeps it in mind that Morrissey said _maybe._

He’s better about physical therapy than anyone really expected him to be. Does his exercises without complaint, tries not to push himself too hard even though it’s incredibly tempting. He goes to the barn at every opportunity, and wonders if maybe they’d put him on something and just lead his dumb crippled ass around the ring for a while. They won’t. Way too risky.

Coyote Blue is amazing. Rin watches her run around her turnout like the athlete she still is, and he knows that she remembers what she was made for. He still wonders if there’s a chance in hell she could race. No one else even bothers to think about it. She is valuable as a broodmare, and she is valuable as Rin’s pet and his motivation to keep focus on recovery. She will never race again.

 

Rin’s birthday rolls around, and Charlotte gives him what he never would have dared to ask. She signs over Coyote Blue’s papers, and the mare belongs to the man who has believed in her from day one. That is, of course, the final nail in the coffin of riding her in a race again, but Rin has finally accepted that it isn’t going to happen. He might ride. He won’t race. And he thinks he might be okay with that.

He goes to the barn and tells her about it, and he thinks she might understand. She rests her head against his chest, and he twists his fingers into her mane, and the tears that he cries aren’t sad ones. Haru watches from the door of the barn and smiles.

 

Three months. Rin is walking on his own. Sure, the pain’s not gone and he’s still a little unsteady, but hell, he can drive and walk, so he practically feels independent again once in a while.

He starts lunging Coyote Blue, building up her muscle and just working with her in the only way he can. They won’t let him ride anything, let alone her. But she’s getting stronger, and so is he.

No one else really handles her other than occasionally leading her to her paddock. She’s handful enough for that. But when Rin takes her lead, the mare quiets. She is gentle as a child’s old pony, and she is careful never to pull on him or throw him off-balance.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a horse take to a person like that. Even Izza isn’t that careful with him,” Kou says as she watches her brother hold his horse while the mare grazes.

“She’s always been his horse,” Charlotte agrees. “I owned her, but she was never mine. That mare has been Rin’s from the day he pointed her out at the sale.”

Haruka starts hoping that maybe, just maybe, they’ll be able to put Rin back on a horse. He’s so set on it, and the chance is still so slim. Haruka doesn’t really want to think about what will happen if the leg breaks again, or if Rin is still told in a year that he’ll never get back on a horse. He’ll try it, Haruka is sure. Someone will have a soft spot for the former jockey with the bad leg who never wants to let go of the past. And Haruka doesn’t blame him for that. He just doesn’t want to imagine Rin getting hurt again.

 

Rin limps up to graduation with a sharp-edged grin and a wave to the crowd. By some miracle, he ended up passing all of his classes despite having been physically in the school for about three months of the year. He doesn’t really know how he did it, other than the fact that he didn’t have a whole lot else to do when he wasn’t at the barn.

He hasn’t made college plans. He’s taking at least a year off, and he hasn’t really decided if he’s going at all. He’ll make the determination a little later. Most of the degrees that have ever interested him involve horses, and he can’t really work with horses in his condition. Maybe once a year has gone by, that will be different. But he’s gotten realistic about the fact that it might not be.

 

The anniversary of the wreck is a tough day. Coyote Blue doesn’t know the significance of it, but Rin sure does, and he projects it quite well enough for her to understand. He twines his fingers into her thick mane, and she hooks her head over his shoulder and pulls him against her in the closest thing to a hug she knows how to give.

“We’re still here,” he whispers. “We’re not what we used to be, but we’re still here.” His voice cracks as he holds tighter onto her. Their last race plays through his head, and he can still see every moment as though he’s on her again. He isn’t, of course.

Haruka offered to come with him. Rin told him to stay home. He needs to be alone today. He doesn’t need Haruka’s comfort, or Charlotte’s, or his mother’s. Rin needs Coyote Blue today and no one else. He’s pretty sure she’s the love of his life, and he never thought he’d find a horse who fit that better than Izza.

Rin can’t help blaming himself for what happened to her, what happened to them. He should have noticed a hitch in her stride, should have detected something wrong before they went over that jump. Logically, he knows that there was no sign, and nothing he could have done. Logically, he knows that he didn’t do this, and if he’d tried to stop her, she would have charged over that hurdle anyway. She has always had that heart, she still does. Rin watches her move and he knows it’s still there.

 

Rin hits the year mark and heads back up to Saratoga to see Morrissey. He trusts her more than the surgeon down here, knows she’ll be honest with him even if it’s bad news.

It isn’t exactly good news, but it isn’t bad either.

His leg is much stronger than she expected, but if he’d been anyone else, she still would have forbidden throwing it over a horse. She understands, though. Working where she does, he’s hardly the first jockey she’s seen come through here. And she knows that it’s better to tell him how to do it safely than to forbid him from doing it at all.

The first rule is that, at least for now, Rin doesn’t get the reins. He will focus on his own balance, and Morrissey makes him promise that if the pain gets over a “four”, he’ll get off. He will not dismount by himself – landing hard on that leg is the last thing it needs, so he’ll get assistance from at least one leader on the ground. And he’ll wear a specially-designed brace whenever he rides, more to support the fragile bones in his lower leg than the mechanical joint in his knee. When he straps the lightweight shell onto his leg, something like a grin spreads across Rin’s face. He won’t be running any marathons – it’ll be a miracle if he runs at all – but he feels almost whole.

“Thank you,” he breathes, and the surgeon smiles and shakes Rin’s hand.

 

The first attempt is a disaster. Rin hits a four the moment his right foot settles in the stirrup of Cruiser’s Western saddle. He grits his teeth and says nothing – like hell he’s giving up without riding a single step – but Makoto sees the tension and pain in his face.

“Rin,” he says softly, and the look in Rin’s eyes just about kills him. “We’ll try again tomorrow, okay?”

“It’s not okay,” Rin says, voice catching in his throat, because it isn’t. But he promised, so he lets Makoto help him down so he can go home and take his fucking Percocet. He stops by Coyote Blue’s paddock first, though, and he can’t help wondering what it will take to sit on her back again.

 

They do try again the next day. The English saddle offers more flexibility of the stirrups, doesn’t hold his leg in the position that has become unfamiliar and painful in a year away. The pain sticks around a three. Cruiser sticks around three miles per hour. And Rin doesn’t care, because he’s on a _horse._

Cruiser is about the most placid animal in the world, but there isn’t a chance in hell of letting him loose with Rin aboard. Rin holds the reins, but Haruka and Makoto walk on either side of him, holding lead lines attached to the bit. Yes, Rin feels more than a little like a child. But this is progress that more than one person has thought he would never make.

When they’ve been around the ring once and the leg starts getting bad, Haruka helps Rin out of the saddle and pulls him into a tight hug, his chin resting on Rin’s shoulder and happy tears in his eyes.

 

Rin alternates. One day he’ll ride Cruiser, who has taken on the role of therapy pony with trademark amiability. The next he’ll work with Coyote Blue. Most days he doesn’t have the energy for both. He’s building up, though, and every ride is a little longer.

The first day they unclip the leads and give Rin control, he’s shaky. It’s like he’s a child again, but without a child’s perceived invincibility.

Rin is scared.

He doesn’t even realize it for a few minutes. When he does, he thinks he must be wrong. _Scared?_ Of _what_ , of the most docile old Quarter Horse on the planet? Of falling? What the hell is he _scared_ of?

Rin doesn’t know what to do. He’s never even been nervous on the back of a horse. Even the day Coyote Blue fell, he feared for her, not himself. The fact that his hands tremble and his stomach turns as he clutches Cruiser’s reins like a child… it’s ridiculous. And he can’t calm himself down.

Haru notices the tension in Rin’s back, sees the way he clenches his jaw every time Cruiser swishes his tail or shakes his head to dislodge a fly. He doesn’t know exactly what’s going on in Rin’s head, but he can tell that Rin isn’t what he used to be. His boldness, his utter dismissal of fear, is gone. And Haru knows that Rin must be furious with himself, must be going crazy wondering what the _fuck_ happened to the boy who was afraid of nothing. Of course, it’s obvious. That boy had his leg shattered beneath a thousand pounds of falling racehorse, and his mind may take as long to recover as his broken body.

When the deep, constant ache he’s grown used to starts to shift info sharp pain, Rin steers Cruiser back toward Haru and Charlotte, who have somehow failed to lose faith in him. Haruka helps him out of the saddle and pretends not to see the tears in Rin’s eyes.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“Rin, there’s –”

“Don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong, Charlotte, you saw that and I trust you not to bullshit me.”

“Rin!” she says sharply, and he falls silent. “You got hurt. Badly. No one bounces back from that right away. You’re not fully recovered physically, you don’t have the muscle and balance that you used to, and it’s _normal_ to not be the same mentally. You can’t force miracles, you can’t expect them. Keep working at it. Remind yourself every moment that you’re safe. But understand that this is a process, just like your leg. Don’t push yourself faster than you’re ready to go.”

Rin stares at his own hands for a minute or two. Charlotte’s eyes soften, and she rests a hand lightly on his shoulder. She understands his frustration. More than anything in the world, Rin wants to sit on Coyote Blue’s back again. He can’t do that if he can’t walk around on Cruiser without going stiff with fear. The big mare trusts him to be strong when he is with her; any unease in him will transfer in a heartbeat. If he is scared, she’ll be scared.

“I can finally ride again and I’m fucking terrified,” Rin admits in a choked whisper. “My leg hurts and I’m pathetic and my goddamn heart skips if he shakes his head. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t give up.”

“You’re right about one thing,” Charlotte murmurs. “You can’t, because she’s waiting for you. Think of her. You’re going to ride her again. You’re strong enough to get out of your own head.”

Rin almost laughs, because he’s not sure. His own neurosis has a pretty strong grip. But maybe she’s right, and he’s strong enough, and his diminished dream is attainable. He won’t give up even if that refusal might kill him, because surrender is a surer death of everything Rin is.

“Thank you,” he whispers. Charlotte squeezes his arm and offers a smile that Rin almost manages to return.

 

He rides every day now, after he works with Coyote on the ground. His legs are stronger, his hands steadier by the day, but Rin can’t deny his nerves. If Cruiser picks up on it, he doesn’t react – but you can put a terrified two-year-old on that horse and he won’t take advantage. Rin’s on him for a reason.

Rin can’t help wondering if riding a more sensitive horse would kick his ass into gear and force him to keep himself together. In a way, riding Cruiser enables his fear.

Izza and Coyote Blue are out of the question. Sensitive is one thing, reactive is another. The mares he loves are not options. Rin knows that.

And then one day, Haruka offers Avalon.

Rin just looks at him for a few seconds, not entirely sure he’s heard correctly. He’s never ridden Avalon. He never expected Haruka to put Rin on the horse he values more than life itself. But Avalon is perfect for what they want to try – experienced and sensitive to cues and feel, but older and not spooky or nervous – and Haruka wants to see if he can help Rin move past the wall.

Avalon is taller than Cruiser, which is the first thing Rin notices when he settles into the deep-seated dressage saddle. The second is that the horse’s ears keep flicking back and forth, and every so often he cranes his head to look back at Rin with a quizzical expression. Some of that, Rin knows, is simply that Avalon is used to Haruka. Some of it is the fact that Rin is tense.

Rin takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly as he nudges Avalon’s sides with his heels. The Trakehner takes a couple of long walk strides and then stops.

“Hey,” Rin says, a little surprised. Avalon looks back at him. “Go on,” Rin says, and squeezes.

Three steps and he halts again.

Rin just sits there, and it takes a moment for him to realize what Avalon is doing. This horse is smart. He can tell that Rin isn’t comfortable, he knows that Rin’s confidence is shot. So he’s going to stand here until Rin can convince him that moving forward is what Rin wants to do. Cruiser just about has autopilot. Avalon doesn’t.

Haruka watches with impassive eyes, but he’s holding his breath. This is a moment they’ve been waiting for, a moment where Rin has a chance at progress.

Rin’s back straightens. Shoulders back, heels down even though it hurts, straight line from his relaxed elbow to the bit. His heart is racing, but he’s not afraid. He can’t be afraid.

And Avalon walks on.


End file.
